Kandi25

Hello everyone! My name is Kandi. I am 25, and I am the lone sober wolf in a family of addicts. I have dealt with this my entire life, and up until recently I felt like I handled the hard truths pretty well. However, recent events have proven otherwise.
A little history..
My father is the only outed addict of the family. Addicted to crack and marijuana, he has been to rehab 11 times. As a child, I remember going and visiting him in the different locations, thinking it was glamorous in a way. The facilities and homes always seemed gorgeous compared to the dive apartments we lived in. When he is sober, my dad is an amazing man and my best friend. It makes it so much harder when he relapses and disappears for months. He has been sober for two years, since my son was born, and has recently relapsed.
My mother is...complicated, as I am sure most mothers are. I recently came to grips that the ideal of who my mother was is fabricated, made up to comfort a child without a father. I think if I would of realized she was as messed up as my dad, I never would of made it out with my sanity. Looking back, I realize it isn't okay for a loving mother to drag her child out of bed at 2 in the morning to do drive by's at the local dealers, looking for daddy. Nor is it okay to designate said child to be watch guard, to make sure dad doesn't relapse, to make sure not to leave his side and listen to his phone calls.. I wonder where my guilt came from. My mother worked two jobs to support our family, and has an amazing heart. This makes it hard for me to come to terms that she is addicted to Adderall, pills, and other uppers. I ignored this because she just worked so damn hard. Who wouldn't need the pick-me-up, right?
Go figure, but at 17 I had become the classic cliché. I moved in with a man who was fifteen years my senior, and an abusive alcoholic. 5 years later, I became pregnant, and left him, knowing my unborn baby deserved more. When my son was a few months old, my mom moved in with me to help watch him while I worked insane hours. Two years later, and I have finally had it with the insane Addy binges, the three days awake and two days asleep pattern, the twitches and ticks and hallucinations. She moved out two days ago, and I am left feeling guilt ridden and angry. She has helped me so much the past two years, but I cannot have addictions around my son. She has spent nearly as much time with him as I have, and I know she loves him, and yet she chose to leave than seek help for her addictions. I have such mixed emotions over everything that I want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks.
Apparently, I really needed to get this out, because this turned out a lot longer than intended.. Advice would be wonderful, but honestly it helps just to get it out to someone. Thank you for listening

~Kandi