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07-09-2013, 05:24 AM

# 20 (permalink)

murrill

Member

Join Date: Mar 2010

Posts: 343

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mukti3

"I found AA via treatment, and it was in treatment that I was invited to express my feelings. I purged and purged, yet I continued to hold onto pain. At some point I found that it was up to me to let go, and sometimes I had to acknowledge that I was no longer grieving what I thought I was grieving."

Merrill, I'm sorry that you did not find complete emotional expression ultimately relieving to you. It sounds like you somehow got stuck in the process. I am also sorry that whatever you found you were truly grieving in the end was not helpful for you to go on feeling.
For me, however, brutal honesty with myself means I must allow myself to fully grieve everything that I need to. With kind, compassionate assistance from my therapist, supportive others, and the grace of my HP, I hope to move through it and come out the other side. Anything less than complete self-compassion (note I am not meaning the traditional understanding of self-pity - a big difference) will prove deadly for me. There is a great article on the difference between self-pity and healthy "self sorrowing" by therapist Pete Walker Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy in which he says:

" Iam often saddened when I hear adult children parrot the "conventional wisdom" that it is bad to feel sorry for yourself. This so-called wisdom shames people out of normal, healthy, self-pity. Everyone needs to occasionally feel sorry for themselves. Tears for the self are some of the most potently healing experiences of recovery. Self-pity, in balance and moderation, is extremely healing. Recovery, in fact, is often very limited until there are profound experiences of feeling sorry for the self. Self-pity in balanced moderation is the miraculously releasing gift of "self-sorrowing".
Since many folks who struggle with substance use are also adult children (like me) this fits for me.

I am in no way trying to be disrespect to ideas in AA that work for folks. I just want to present an alternative way of looking at things for my own sake and any others who may find it helpful. Live and Let Live works for me.

Perhaps I omitted something in the retelling of my experience: I have found emotional expression to be tremendously cathartic. However, at some point in the "process"--as such, since there were times when it was more of a "stuck place" than a fluid exercise that the word process suggests--I had to recognize that there was more than met the naked eye. Sometimes it was the only the way I knew to ask for nurturing. Giving a prolonged voice to hurt over a failed relationship might have been another way to say, "I'm lonely." Once I was able to recognize that, I could address it. I'm not sure how you concluded that it was not helpful. My point is this: Sometimes what I though I grieved was just a cloak for the real issues. It was necessary for me to get honest about that so I could work adress them. As someone pointed out to me, the only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions.