Hi Wishful,
I sure do know how you feel. I felt so up when my AH quit drinking for 4 months, and sooo down when he started up again right before the holidays. I love the guy and I'm always hopeful that when he says he's done, he means it this time. You're not stupid because HE's drinking again.
In the mean time, I've found a really great blog that's given me a lot of perspective. It's several years worth of postings by a woman in Al-Anon, her thoughts and experiences etc. I've found it very comforting to read. I'm too new here to post links, but if you Google Through an Al-Anon Filter you'll find it.
Hang In There!