Thank you, TuffGirl. (I love that name!)
The lawyer I currently have made it clear that he thinks their marriage issues/Green Card scam/cheating won't matter in court because all of that would be difficult to prove. We just focused on my ex's alcohol abuse, and I won full custody based on that. I agree, doing all of this is a waste of precious time and energy.
One thing I have been thinking about is my own parents marriage. My father is an alcoholic and he has treated my mother very horribly, yet they are still married to this day. Even as a child, I just wished they would divorce. I think the same thing may end up happening with my son regarding my ex and his wife. I want to save my son from the pain of being a child of an alcoholic, but it is completely out of my control.
I think you nailed it, I'm still trying to make sense of this mess and I am trying to control the outcome. When I think about the November hearing, it scares me that my ex will lie his face off again and that the judge will grant him overnights/unsupervised time.
I want to heal, but I have not let go of all this baggage. I recently read a quote that said something like "we each have the power to heal ourselves." That is very affirming and empowering, but how do I get there? Part of it is stopping contact, like you suggested, but the healing process seems very unclear to me.