Update: I spoke a little bit with my son's dad today.
Good news:
He is going to AA and taking parenting classes (this wasn't court ordered but he said he is doing it to show the judge that he is his alcohol abuse seriously---honestly, this is a big breakthrough, I have to give him that, even though he has FB pics from two weeks ago which shows him drinking beer with his wife...).
He and his wife have followed the court orders for visitation as far as I know. He has not shown up for visitation hungover and I have not smelled any alcohol on his breath. He and his wife both say they do not drink during visitation. They pick up/drop off my son at the court-mandated times.
I asked him why his wife said she has her "own opinion" about the court documents? He said, "We don't have to discuss this, we just have to go through court now." Uhhh...ok? It's infuriating that the wife is the supervisor when it seems like she doesn't even believe everything I wrote about his alcoholic abuse/threatening behavior.
I told him he put me in a very uncomfortable place with his wife, due to his past actions and behavior (before I knew he was married, he made suggestive comments to me and about other women, he proclaimed he is "single and looking," then after I found out he was married, he said he "did it as a favor for her to get a Green Card," and that he "doesn't want to be with her forever, it's just for a favor because she did so much for me."). I just felt terrible when, yesterday, the wife said, "We make each other better people." Uhhh...I really doubt my ex has told her everything I just typed out. Plus, per my ex's family members, he is very physically and verbally abusive toward her.
My ex said, "She is a VERY GOOD stepmom." I recently found out that my ex cheated on me with her while I was still pregnant! When I found out my ex was cheating on me with her, my son was 1 1/2 years old and I just assumed it was a recent thing...that's why my ex's comment that she "loves our son" really gets to me. How could this woman claim to love my son when she was happy being the "other woman" even while I was pregnant? If she cared about my son so much, why didn't she step back? To me, this just demonstrates her poor character. It might not matter to the judge, but it matters to me.
The last thing my ex said was, "You keep judging me on the past. The day that you ever screw up, I hope everyone judges you and holds it against you. I know that someday when you find somebody to marry, that you won't care as much."
I need to focus on the positives here. Yes, they are following the court orders. He is attending AA and taking parenting classes. Visitation is going well so far.
In my previous post, lots of posters pointed out that the new woman isn't getting anything better. That an active A is still going to treat the new woman like crap too. It seems like my ex is finally doing the work, finally going to AA and taking parenting classes. I know I should be happy for my son that it seems like my ex is finally came around, but I'm having such a hard time getting over all the pain he caused me...
I think feeling alone makes this harder for me. I relocated about seven hours away from my hometown to start graduate school. I live in an apartment with my son. I miss my parents, siblings, childhood friends, and everyone so much. I have made good friends here, but it's still difficult. I'm not 100% sure, but I think my ex also felt very lonely and that is why he asked his now-wife to move to our new city and then married her. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, so them having a "family" triggers so much from my past.
Just venting. I'm not really sure where to go from here.