HuskyPup

Onto day 18 here, and my days off. I've felt a bit restless at points, but mainly in the way of seeking social activities. It's too hot out for me to want to venture out today, I think it's 95, and I tend to wilt in such temperatures! So I'm starting to read a cycle of novels by Yukio Mishima, his Sea of Fertility series, starting with Spring Snow. I'm a huge fan of 20th century Japanese literature, and have always wanted to read the totality of Mishima that exists in translation, so this will go quite a ways in advancing that goal.

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Last night, I tried to go to an Agnostic meeting, the only one we have here. I’d gone a few times in the past. I arrived half an hour early, via light rail, and waited. The place seemed deserted, and overgrown with vegetation. I tried the main door, and various others. Nothing. It was at an old church, built into a steep hill; the wet summer had the vines growing vigorously, and I felt like I was standing amidst ancient ruins. Tipped over planters, weeds, the smell of an old building in decay. After an hour of quiet meditation, I walked across the street to a sushi place, ordered a few rolls to go, and ate them by a river, waiting for the train home. As it happened, the meeting has moved to a different location that’s harder to get to. But I wasn’t upset, mainly curious as to why I seek a social dimension to recovery.

In the past, I felt tolerated as opposed to accepted. It felt as if I was listened to with raised eyebrows and 'We've seen this before!' expressions, as if in time, I'd come round to agreeing with everything, at which point I'd be taken seriously. I didn't find that helpful; there didn't seem to be much meeting each other halfway. So I've decided not to push things, because that was a trigger in the past. Instead, I'm focusing on the resources I find positive and helpful: My close friends, this forum, my own inner strength and motivations, and especially a close friend with 20 years of sobriety, a professional musician. He's impressed upon me the idea of taking your energy and putting it so passionately into something you love doing, that you lose all desire to carry on drinking. There's a certain Zen sense to this, and it helps me focus.

As time has gone on, I'm finding I'm not craving a meeting as much. I may still go for the company, but a huge revelation for me has been that I don't have to insist on meetings to stay sober. Nothing is written in stone that I must. So I’m leaving things open. In time, I may contact the local LGBT center, with the idea of forming a recovery discussion group not based on any particular program, but as a place to share, much like this forum. I think that would help many people, and the center is only a handful of blocks away, and is looking to expand activities.

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Well, I’m going to enjoy some iced Ginseng tea I brewed a few days ago, and listen to Randy Newman, that musical genius. The song, ‘My Life is Good’, and ‘Rednecks’ have both been stuck in my mind.

Hope all are well,

Much strength,

H. Pup, wonder-dog. Woof!