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Hello,

Can anyone out there help me?

I've been to a few meetings.

I'm quite sure I'm an alcoholic.

However, I'm really embarrassed about the amount I actually drink. I drink two or three nights a week. That is all. I'll drink either, 8 cans of kronenberg, or two bottles of rosé wine, and i wont eat. This is a typical normal week for me. Sometimes I'll go beyond that and top up with anything else I can find, or add extra days. I'm small and weigh about 8 stone. The problem I've got is I've drank for years, but is its making me very very sick now. It never used to. But booze is how I deal with life. So I realize I need help. I can't stop on my own. I have a malformed social etiquette gland, and a natural deficiency in moral fiber.

But, I can't find anyone else that drinks like me. Everyone at the meetings so far drank all day everyday and ended up in recovery. Where as I've been functioning ok other than my need for booze on particular days. It makes me feel like a fake or a fraud or like I don't belong in the meetings, when I do so desperately want to stop drinking.

I'm 33 now. So I'm not young, but not old either, and the meetings round here are filled with retired people. So I kind of feel like I can either carry on trying to drink, or hang out with old folk. Either way that just sounds like death to me. And I want to stop drinking because I want a proper life!

Everyone's very nice and says just keep coming back, but I'm so shy I've forgotten how to talk. And even if I do open my mouth, I can't bring myself to insult these nice people by saying, "is this it? Old people moaning about the weather? Seriously? How the **** is that going to keep me sober?". I went into a bigger town the other day, just to see if everywhere was the same, and I couldn't believe there was younger people there! But its a good distance from me. I felt gutted that people are out there that might be able to help me.

I can't find a sponsor. I really want one tho. I don't talk much, and people there aren't talking to me much. I don't know how to share because I don't know what I'm supposed to say and the times I've tried I haven't been able to stop shaking.

I feel horrible. People float out of meetings on a golden chariot of sobriety, happy, joyous and content waving a beacon of hope. I walk out as I came in, miserable, unhappy, upset, lonely, confused, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed and angry.

I don't know what do do. I can't stop thinking and drinking. I'm seriously considering trying to move to a bigger area which has more AA support.

Does anyone have and advice suggestions or see any similarities?

Thanks,
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