Raeth

I find myself in a position where I cannot be honest with my friends and family about where I am at. It's not that they don't care, it's more that I don't think they realize what it is like to be at where I am. I also don't want them to worry about me given my past. I need to get a few things out in a safe place without judgement.

To start, I am an alcoholic who is beginning to struggle with an addiction to Percocet (Oxycodone). I spent seven years drinking in excess ($400/week or so) and nearly all of it was alone in my apartment. Seven years may not sound like nor be long compared to many but considering I started at seventeen it enveloped much of my early time as an adult. I was fortunate enough to find a church and some friends who helped me break free from that for the most part over the course of a few years. I am VERY thankful that I haven't been drinking like that for a while now. I know I could slip back into it very easily though.

While I was in that town with those people I injured my back pretty badly at work and went into a downward spiral that led to me losing my girlfriend, friends, job, apartment, car, and overdosing pretty severely on sleeping pills. I had to move in with family while trying to figure out what I can do as far as a future goes. I avoided pain killers for a while since I know I get addicted to things easily but I hit that line where the pain was too much. That point where it's a decision between drugs and suicide just to escape it (I think some here may understand this?). I am currently taking Percocet but it's to the point of not doing anything besides giving me withdrawal symptoms if I stop regardless of how much I take (within "reason"). I know I could step up to Oxycontin but that scares me a lot.

So now I get to the point as to what I can't be open with my friends and family about. I am scared to death of what might happen once I move away from family again and am on my own. Being here pretty much eliminates the option of drinking in excess which I am thankful for. The problem is that I literally drool when I think about the relief that being drunk again would bring me. I know it's not real, I know it's temporary; I just can't stop thinking about it. To be honest, every chance I have had in this year I have drank as much as was available to me. It's not often- maybe once or twice a month- but it shows I still can't deal with the addiction completely. I don't want those who know me to worry but at the same time I am so scared of being that person again; drunk, broken, and alone.