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New Member - Need to be honest...

Old 07-03-2013, 11:54 PM
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New Member - Need to be honest...

I find myself in a position where I cannot be honest with my friends and family about where I am at. It's not that they don't care, it's more that I don't think they realize what it is like to be at where I am. I also don't want them to worry about me given my past. I need to get a few things out in a safe place without judgement.

To start, I am an alcoholic who is beginning to struggle with an addiction to Percocet (Oxycodone). I spent seven years drinking in excess ($400/week or so) and nearly all of it was alone in my apartment. Seven years may not sound like nor be long compared to many but considering I started at seventeen it enveloped much of my early time as an adult. I was fortunate enough to find a church and some friends who helped me break free from that for the most part over the course of a few years. I am VERY thankful that I haven't been drinking like that for a while now. I know I could slip back into it very easily though.

While I was in that town with those people I injured my back pretty badly at work and went into a downward spiral that led to me losing my girlfriend, friends, job, apartment, car, and overdosing pretty severely on sleeping pills. I had to move in with family while trying to figure out what I can do as far as a future goes. I avoided pain killers for a while since I know I get addicted to things easily but I hit that line where the pain was too much. That point where it's a decision between drugs and suicide just to escape it (I think some here may understand this?). I am currently taking Percocet but it's to the point of not doing anything besides giving me withdrawal symptoms if I stop regardless of how much I take (within "reason"). I know I could step up to Oxycontin but that scares me a lot.

So now I get to the point as to what I can't be open with my friends and family about. I am scared to death of what might happen once I move away from family again and am on my own. Being here pretty much eliminates the option of drinking in excess which I am thankful for. The problem is that I literally drool when I think about the relief that being drunk again would bring me. I know it's not real, I know it's temporary; I just can't stop thinking about it. To be honest, every chance I have had in this year I have drank as much as was available to me. It's not often- maybe once or twice a month- but it shows I still can't deal with the addiction completely. I don't want those who know me to worry but at the same time I am so scared of being that person again; drunk, broken, and alone.
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:01 AM
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Welcome Raeth. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post. The hour is late but I think some of our overseas friends may be around to give more insight. I am very early in my sobriety but what I do know, is that you do need support in recovery...you need tools, information and compassionate ears. Joining SR is an excellent, excellent start. It has been so very crucial to me in my early recovery. Stay close : )
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Old 07-04-2013, 01:06 AM
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Early recovery here as well (almost 2 weeks). About being honest with friends or family etc. I think we have something in common. Since addiction and recovery is a very personal thing, I personally at least keep the policy of not telling anyone, including all friends that I'm recovering from alcohol addiction and experiencing some of the symptoms of recovery etc.

Everyone knows I drank in excess, but nobody knows the reality of the misery and those struggles from the past and well, recovery as well. So yeah I keep it to myself, if anyone dare ask anything implying wanting to know something about my alcohol use today, I may lie straight about it.. depends who it is.

Some people tell their friends and get support for this and that is good. And it is not that I don't trust those people around me and my life. Just that I decide it is better this way, for me at least. Welcome to SR by the way, the right place to be.
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Old 07-04-2013, 01:29 AM
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hello Raeth ,
Welcome to SR ,

Scarred to go on, scarred to stop , sounds like me some time back .

Telling others who understand is a relief, yeh ? SR is a great online comunity

Have you thought about looking for some face to face support with this ? You sound kinda isolated .

Nice to have you along , m
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Old 07-04-2013, 01:39 AM
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Nuudawn, thank you for the welcome. You're a month in now by your signature? Congratulations! I tentatively plan to stay around and really hope there's some help here for me; God knows I need it.

UnixBer, you're right in saying we have something in common. I can relate to what you said quite well. There really is nobody I am comfortable enough with to be open and share what I am trying my best to deal with. I sincerely wish you the best and hope you can find a way to be completely free.

Mecanix, yes, it is very nice to be among those who understand and can relate to a lot of what I am going through. I've been watching this site off and on for a bit and finally gained the nerve to post tonight out of desperation. I am very isolated but not by choice. I had to move to a farm that's around an hour from anywhere I could attend meetings and be around people more. With my back injury my allowable travel time without pain killers is limited but when I'm on them I can't drive and I don't trust anyone else to bring me in so I'm stuck. Thus my being here.
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:01 AM
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You make me want to drive to Alberta and hold a seecret meeting in a barn out the back of your farm .
Not that i'm in AA or NA , have held a meeting before or know where Alberta is other than somewhere in canada

M
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:30 AM
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Hi and welcome raeth

I think when we find it very hard to stop it's time to admit we can't do this on our own.

Support is definitely something you should be looking at - certainly here, but maybe even beyond that - ever thought of a recovery programme, or rehab even?

Even seeing your Dr might be a start?
or a counsellor if that point of pain you talk about is a recurring issue?

There's helpline and other forums to look at if you feel you might be a danger to yourself. Please do check this link out:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:47 AM
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Thank you for the welcome, Dee.

I know I need support thus my being here; I suppose for now I'm just testing the waters. I've had people I trusted in the past turn on me after I shared what's going on more then once so being open is a difficult thing for me. I don't know if I'd be a candidate for rehab since I have things "under control" right now. It's such a balancing act though and I'm waiting for it all to fall down again.

I saw my previous doctor about my alcoholism before but he wasn't really a whole lot of help so I haven't talked to my new one about it yet. The pain I am experiencing is because I herniated two discs in my lower back and, because of a lying employer and "doctor", I never got treatment. It's been about two years since my injury without it being taken care of properly so I'm now dealing with a moderate permanent disability and most likely pain for the rest of my life.

I don't think I'm a danger to myself, or at least not for the time being. Thank you for the link though, I will hang on to it as I may need it at another point in this journey.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:29 AM
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Smile

Raeth,
Hang in there, I'm new to all of this but know it gets better.
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Old 07-04-2013, 10:50 PM
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I am seriously contemplating an AA meeting next week. There's been beer in the house the last few days during a heat wave and it's been a problem for me. I can't say no, I don't know how to.

The thought of sitting there in a group of people and being at least somewhat open about where I'm at face to face is not a comfortable one. Is it really worth it?
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Old 07-04-2013, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Raeth View Post
I am seriously contemplating an AA meeting next week. There's been beer in the house the last few days during a heat wave and it's been a problem for me. I can't say no, I don't know how to.

The thought of sitting there in a group of people and being at least somewhat open about where I'm at face to face is not a comfortable one. Is it really worth it?
I'd just about guarantee it won't hurt. That group of people..is just a group of you and me's..ain't nothing you're going to say that will come as any shocker. I'm not currently a member of AA...BUT...I remember walking into my first meeting...terrified, ashamed, freaked out.

Um..just a guess...but that's EXACTLY how everyone walks in there. Wouldn't you say folks...those who've been to one? There will be some kind folks with a smile and an extended hand. It may not be for you...but I don't think it will be at all unpleasant. My first meeting was like a hug I really needed at the time. Being open to all answers when you need some help is the right step. You can decide whether it's for you...AFTER you give it a try. They won't handcuff you to the coffee machine..I promise
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Old 07-04-2013, 11:49 PM
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Welcome to SR. I am a recovering alcoholic / opiate addict with about 3 years sober from drinking and about 8 months from opiates. Like yourself, I was able to quit drinking but eventually fell into pills when I had surgery and got a perscription from my doctor to help with pain. At first they did help, then they quit working so I took more. When upping my dose wasn't enough, I went to the Oxy. When I couldn't get any more Oxy I started smoking heroin. It might seem extreme but that's really what happened. If you saw me, even back then, you wouldn't have guessed I was a heroin addict. No one knew. My friends knew I couldn't drink but they had no idea what I was doing everytime I retreated to the ladies room... It was a dark existence, to say the least. I experienced things I never thought I would witness or be part of. The hardest part was the fear of running out and being sick. I tried to kick it a few times with no luck because the pain and discomfort would make me crazy after a few days... I'm still not sure how I finally did it but I kept trying until I was totally clean. That was almost a year ago.

I know how it feels to have shameful secrets. I know how it feels to be addicted and alone. I know how hard it can be to reach out. Your post was so honest and I hope it gives you some comfort to at least know that others have been where you are and have been able to get clean. You can do it. The drug and alcohol obsessions were based on all the same issues for me - I re-learned how to live and I am still figuring it out. Nearly All of my old ideas had to be thrown out and replaced by new ones. Even after that, my depression and anxiety lingered a long time. Some days I still have to hold on for dear life. I do AA, therapy, SR forum, Volunteer work at the women's jail, research and see a doctor regularly. I try to keep things honest. I'm not even close to being who I want to be but I'm really proud that I am free of heroin and alcohol today.

Keep reaching out. Learn all you can about addiction and choose to fight this with everything in your power. It doesn't have to be this way for you anymore. Life will improve if you make this your primary focus for a while. I hope you stay away from stronger opiates if at all possible and I hope you are able to begin a journey of recovery. Don't end up where I ended up because it happens more often than people realize. I will keep you in mind and hope to hear updates. Stay strong.
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Old 07-15-2013, 01:58 AM
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Well, I figured this is the post for a bit of an update. I have been doing alright considering current circumstances. I haven't had a drink in a few days which isn't abnormal really but considering there's a bottle of vodka nearby it's a bit surprising. My use of percocet has been getting to be more and more though. It's just not cutting it for the pain anymore and I don't really have other options. I'm already up to about twice my prescription just to be functional physically around the house. I tried to go 24 hours without taking anything and I couldn't do it. I have no idea what to do next or where to turn. I have no back-up and, while I know this hole only gets deeper I just don't know what else to do.

What do you do when there's no way around the pain that doesn't involve addictions?
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Old 07-15-2013, 02:12 AM
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What do you do when there's no way around the pain that doesn't involve addictions?
Do you know that for certain tho?

Have you discussed your problem with your Dr?
or thought getting about a second opinion?

maybe a pain clinic could be a good way forward for you?

D
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Old 07-15-2013, 04:41 PM
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Both my previous and current doctors have said the same thing. My options are pain killers, surgery, or spinal injection. I don't have money for treatment but I'm in a battle with workplace insurance that might work out yet and cover full time at a pain clinic. For now I am stuck with pain killers. Mandatory addiction, woohoo.
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