Originally Posted by
skr86 
Are you saying I should keep doing my own thing and let him come to me when he wants? I'm worried that will make him distant but I guess if he really does love me he'll come around?
I think this is probably the best thing to do right now. I'm a recently sober alcoholic, and I've also dated addicts and alcoholics in the past, so I feel like I can see this from both sides...
From your side, I completely understand that your trust has been broken. I agree that you have the right to know if he starts using again. You're in a tough spot because major things are happening that affect you but that you have no control over, so I can understand why you're suspicious.
From his side: getting sober is kind of crazy because it is one of the hardest things one can do, and it takes so much work... but from an outside perspective all you're doing is catching up to where you should have been anyway. So already it's hard to be working so hard and be unable to really share it with the people in your life. If you add on top of that someone doubting that you're succeeding... I can see how that would trigger anger. If someone asked me today if I'd been drinking, that would cut me right to my core. Not that it wouldn't be valid... I've been a drunk for a lot longer than I've been sober... but no matter how unfairly, that would probably be the most hurtful thing someone could say to me right now.
Obviously having just quit I've got more to say on the side of the addict, but that doesn't mean I don't understand your side too!
Just a bit less fresh in my mind.
Anyway it's kind of a catch 22, you know? You're right, and he's right.
I guess the best thing I can recommend would be to treat these next few months as extra-canon. Don't worry about whether the communication patterns you're using are the ones you ultimately want in your relationship... adopt some temporary measures just to get through the next few months. And make sure the two of you are both aware that that's what's going on.