skr86

Hello! I'm brand new to this and hope I'm posting in the right place. I need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and up until the past few months things have been great. More than great. We never fought, we respected each other. I have never felt so truly loved by anybody in my life and I love him with all my heart. I knew he had issues with heroin addiction when we first got together and that was a challenge I was willing to face with him. A few months ago we started fighting like we have never fought before. Things really hit rock bottom and (thank god!), he decided it was time to get some help. He joined a methadone clinic 2 months ago and has been doing incredibly. The only problem is that we're still fighting. Not nearly as bad as before, but whenever I ask him anything about where he's been or if he's been using (I'm suspicious - the guy lied about these things a thousand times), he explodes and eventually says he wants to break up and other really hurtful things. I never thought he would treat me like this, I feel like he would rather throw me and our relationship in the garbage than try to work it out. Before, he used to be so sweet and caring towards me, and now I don't feel like he loves me anymore. It's breaking my heart because there isn't anything in the world I wouldn't do for him, but it seems that all of a sudden he's put up a wall that's impossible for me to break through. He says he's concentrating on himself right now, which is great, but what about us? Why would he rather break up than put ANY effort whatsoever into regaining my trust? Does he simply just not love me anymore or could this have anything to do with being newly sober? I'm completely heartbroken. I don't want to stay with somebody that's only pretending to care about me, or only cares when I'm being "good" and not asking questions but it's hard for me walk away when things are usually good between us and I'm clouded by my own emotions. If anybody has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it. Thank you!

Mountainmanbob

Dee74

Hi and welcome skr86

I'm sorry for your pain but I know you'll find a lot of support and advice here.
I'm not sure what to say really - have you had any discussion with your bf on what this change is about?

D

Steven567

Hello skr86, welcome to Sr. Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. The only advice I can offer is maybe get him involved in some type of activity to keep his mind off his addiction or maybe keep an eye on his spending to limit they chances he has to by drugs? Last but not least dont worry your not alone on here. Some type of addiction has affected everyone on here in one way or another.

skr86

Hello! Thank you for your response! I have tried, repeatedly, to talk to him about this. If he's angry he says he wants to break up ("he would rather break up than deal with this"). If I talk to him when he's calm, he doesn't want to break up. It's so confusing. I don't know if he says no because he feels guilty or if he says he does because he's overwhelmed. I can't get a straight answer, which is why I'm wondering if it has anything to do with being newly sober. We only fight when I'm being suspicious. I want him to know that I trust him but I feel like he completely refuses to face the fact that I can only trust him if he puts effort into regaining my trust! He blows up and then blames the fight on me, he doesn't understand we wouldn't fight at all if he would just act in a respectful way (like he used to! Like WE used to!). I don't know if he's just feeling too much and having trouble coping or if he just plain doesn't care about me or our relationship anymore. I'm reaching out here for insight because I can't get an answer from him. Anytime I try to talk about it I'm "stressing him out." He also has some pretty severe anxiety issues, which he's on medication for, but I imagine are a lot worse since he got clean.

skr86

Thanks you guys! He's currently working two jobs (so he's staying pretty busy) and likes to cash his paychecks, which drives me crazy but his account is overdrawn due to said addiction and I really don't feel like being his mom and telling what form to keep his money in. Asking him about money is another trigger. Basically, he gets mad and says I'm "interrogating" him for asking simple questions. To me, those kind of responses scream guilty but I really think he's just being crazy sensitive or he's just plain sick of me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's deemed me the bad guy and I just can't win.

Steven567

Instead of confronting him when suspicious maybe set a time a side daily or every other day and to talk to him about the things he accomplished that day or previous day while being sober. Confronting him when suspicious can be a difficult thing for an addict to take.

daisy1

Can you step back a bit and give him the benefit of the doubt? No trust is a killer to relationships...I understand he has to earn it but to enable him to prove it, you might need to just let him get on with it for a while. If he is going to lie then the truth will out eventually - can you concentrate on yourself a little? Go out with friends, get a hobby (I got a horse when my husband was impossible to communicate with lol). He is a grown up and does need to make this journey himself, it must be tough for you - most relationships change a bit over time so hang in there xxx

skr86

Thank you, that's a great idea! I just feel like everything I've done for him is going completely unnoticed and that he doesn't want to deal with having another person in his life, even though I love him and always want the best for him. Do you think I'm being selfish by focusing so much on our relationship?

skr86

Daisy - yes. You're right. I guess the only way to let him show me I can trust him is to step back and let him show me that I can trust him, huh? It's not all the time that this happens, it's only when I notice he's doing something behaviorally similar to all the sneaky things he used to do when he was using. I'm pretty laid back but if I notice something I have a tendency to speak up right then and there. I just feel like he wants me to not ask any questions or else he wants to end it. I don't think that's fair, but maybe he just needs some space for a while? Have you dealt with a similar situation that I'm in (addict boyfriend?)

daisy1

Of course you aren't selfish! You love him and you are desperate to help him and to keep the love that you have had for years. I think you are getting upset though and need to step away just a bit - it takes courage because you might be scared you will lose him. In my experience, the more I hung on, the farther away he got, the more I cried, the angrier he got. One day I went to the cinema with my friends, and he noticed, and seemed to see me in a different light. Xxx

daisy1

Ps if he is going to lie and use he just will, just hope and pray he doesn't :-)

skr86

Also, if anybody is reading this that has used a methadone recovery program and could give me an idea of the types of things he might be feeling/dealing with at 2 months sober that would be helpful. To me, it seems like he's lost interest but I'm hoping maybe he's just sensitive right now. The last thing I want to do is walk away when he needs me most, but if I'm hindering him with our relationship then I'll consider doing what's best.

daisy1

My ex was a dope smoker yes I hated him doing it because it made him so unbearable to live with, so I would question him all the time and go through his stuff - it made him act like a guilty child ;-)

skr86

Ha! Well, I'm a bio student right now with an extremely full plate. I just spent a week in Philly at a conference and he did seem to miss me. Are you saying I should keep doing my own thing and let him come to me when he wants? I'm worried that will make him distant but I guess if he really does love me he'll come around?

fantail

I think this is probably the best thing to do right now. I'm a recently sober alcoholic, and I've also dated addicts and alcoholics in the past, so I feel like I can see this from both sides...

From your side, I completely understand that your trust has been broken. I agree that you have the right to know if he starts using again. You're in a tough spot because major things are happening that affect you but that you have no control over, so I can understand why you're suspicious.

From his side: getting sober is kind of crazy because it is one of the hardest things one can do, and it takes so much work... but from an outside perspective all you're doing is catching up to where you should have been anyway. So already it's hard to be working so hard and be unable to really share it with the people in your life. If you add on top of that someone doubting that you're succeeding... I can see how that would trigger anger. If someone asked me today if I'd been drinking, that would cut me right to my core. Not that it wouldn't be valid... I've been a drunk for a lot longer than I've been sober... but no matter how unfairly, that would probably be the most hurtful thing someone could say to me right now.

Obviously having just quit I've got more to say on the side of the addict, but that doesn't mean I don't understand your side too! Just a bit less fresh in my mind.

Anyway it's kind of a catch 22, you know? You're right, and he's right.

I guess the best thing I can recommend would be to treat these next few months as extra-canon. Don't worry about whether the communication patterns you're using are the ones you ultimately want in your relationship... adopt some temporary measures just to get through the next few months. And make sure the two of you are both aware that that's what's going on.

Nighthawk8820

You sound like you are quite co-dependent on him. It happens a lot, people get addicted to the addict and all sorts of dysfunction ensues. I dont know how people in recovery, during that first year or two, would even consider dating. With all the self work I had to put in to make the changes needed for my sobriety to be a success, I had ZERO time or interest in dating at all. I still dont think I am ready to date. The point is, he has a LOT of work to do in his own recovery, so I doubt your relationship will last right now. I know that is hard to hear, but you need to find yourself, and he needs to do the same. Maybe sometime, in a few years, you two can reconnect.........but it just wont work right now, in my opinion. Recovery can be a selfish process, but it has to be for it to work. Im afraid you and the relationship will be taking a back seat.

cleaninLI

Skr,I am a married newly recovered addict on suboxone therapy. Just to let you know my (addicts) point of view. Recovery is a full-time job. It is both physically and emotionally draining. I've already requested that my family, husband of 25 years, and children to take a step back and allow me this time to concentrate on my new life in recovery and if I seem a little self absorbed to please forgive me. It is tough learning to live life on life's terms when in the past i just popped a pill when things became tough. I did not deal with my emotions, now I am forced to do that. Since it seems like you really love him, just give him some space. No need to ask if he is using. We are not known for our truthfulness, especially that particular question. There are signs that would indicate a relapse. My family is well aware of those. Helps, to learn them.

skr86

CleaninLI thank you for your response. It's really helpful to hear things from an addict's point of view. I do know the signs, the only time I say anything is either when he's exhibiting the behavior he had when he was using, or if he's spending time with people he used to use with. I don't nag or yell. I simply state what I'm seeing and he blows up. What you said about needing to concentrate on your new life sounds similar to what he's expressed, and I totally get it. I'm fine with giving him space I just don't think it's worth ending our entire relationship over (but if he does, obviously there isn't much I can do). Do you have any advice on how I can help him with the recovery process? I'm sure he feels guilty about things he's done in the past, how can talk to him about his recovery without making him feel ashamed?

NightHawk - thank you for your response. Just so you know, our relationship has only become dysfunctional over the past few months (when he hit rock bottom and got into recovery), which is only a few months out of 5 years with as many fights as I could count on one hand. I get what your saying and I get that you may be totally right, but do you think it's better to end a serious relationship during the recovery process instead of keeping the person that loves, supports and cares for you around? Also, just out of curiosity, where does the line between being in love with somebody and being "codependent" lie? Up until these past few months we communicated with each other exceedingly well. I have my own life and goals that I work incredibly hard for. I'm happy and have high self-esteem. I don't sacrifice my life or happiness to be with him (being with him has always enhanced my life and happiness up until now). How exactly am I codependent?

skr86

Oh, I hope that didn't come off bitchy, I'm being sincere. I'm just having trouble understanding why it would be easier to break up a happy, long-term relationship than to just put minimal effort into making sure your partner knows you love and appreciate them?