dessyflash

Checking in, I think.

I found this place a few months ago and did a lot of reading that really changed my outlook on my relationship with my recovering husband. He has been sober for six months now and is still struggling with terrible depression and mood swings. During his random fits of anger he would announce that he was leaving, presumably to go back "out there". Even after reading Codependent No More, while I slowly got better, I found myself begging and pleading for him to not go. I was so scared of his getting hurt and possibly dying. Logically I understood that I cannot protect him from the consequences of his actions, and that if he's going to do it he's going to do it. He would always calm down though, realize how insane he'd been, and then he would have a stretch of "good" days.
The bad days have been getting worse though, and his behavior more manipulative. Thanks to the reading I have been doing though, and being busy with other activities, I have grown stronger. I wrote him a long letter stating my intention to focus on me and to let him focus on himself. After reading it, he seemed to understand better how I felt and that I was doing the right thing. However, for example, a few weeks ago when I was out with a friend, he announced to me via text message that he had enlisted in the military and would be leaving in August. I was able to recognize this as an attempt to get me to come home immediately. He does not approve of me staying out after dark with people he is not personally familiar with because he is insecure and fears that I will be unfaithful, an issue that had been resolved for a long time before his job loss and relapse in January. I told him that catering to these fears is not helpful and that I will not restrict time with my friends to make him comfortable. I recognized his announcement as a probably lie and told him that we would discuss it when I got home. When I finally did, he tried to punish me by announcing that he was leaving *forever*. At first I followed him and tried to stop him, but then let him go. I did call the police to let them know he was out and about, because I feared possible self harm (he has a history). Of course he was back within the hour. And of course, his military enlistment was a lie.
Recently I've embarked on a program meant to alleviate artistic block. One of the requirements of the program is that once a week, you take yourself on a date. You have to go alone. My last one involved going to a restaurant/bar I'd been wanting to check out because I heard they had really good food. He became very irritable when I was getting ready to go, but I went anyway. The program has been making a big difference so far in helping me to feel better about myself and I wasn't going to forego a vital component of it for his (non)benefit.

This was Wednesday night. Since then he has not been speaking to me. I have tried talking reasonably to him, but I have only gotten the silent treatment. When he does this, I am able to recognize it as an attempt to scare and manipulate me. While I do feel hurt by his treatment of me, I am not letting it affect how I view myself or what I'm doing. I know that I am doing the right thing for me, and for him too. He's escalated it now though by setting out his backpack and a change of clothes, which is definitely meant to be a sign for "I'm leaving FOREVER." I am supposed to meet friends at a community festival tonight- I invited him to accompany me, but he will not respond in any way. I will go on with my plans to spend time with my friends, because quite frankly, why would I want to spend my Saturday night with him if he is going to act this way? If he leaves while I am gone, then I know I will just have to accept that as God's will. Maybe I can ask one of my friends to stay with me overnight in that event. I finally feel strong enough to let this play out as it will. I still love him very much and miss the wonderful person I know is trapped in there, but I have resolved to love myself more.
I really feel like I can do this, that I can really let him go now if that's what's required of me, but send me some positive energy anyway- I know that it will still be hard, and every little bit will help!