Situation coming to a head

Old 06-29-2013, 01:11 PM
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Situation coming to a head

Checking in, I think.

I found this place a few months ago and did a lot of reading that really changed my outlook on my relationship with my recovering husband. He has been sober for six months now and is still struggling with terrible depression and mood swings. During his random fits of anger he would announce that he was leaving, presumably to go back "out there". Even after reading Codependent No More, while I slowly got better, I found myself begging and pleading for him to not go. I was so scared of his getting hurt and possibly dying. Logically I understood that I cannot protect him from the consequences of his actions, and that if he's going to do it he's going to do it. He would always calm down though, realize how insane he'd been, and then he would have a stretch of "good" days.
The bad days have been getting worse though, and his behavior more manipulative. Thanks to the reading I have been doing though, and being busy with other activities, I have grown stronger. I wrote him a long letter stating my intention to focus on me and to let him focus on himself. After reading it, he seemed to understand better how I felt and that I was doing the right thing. However, for example, a few weeks ago when I was out with a friend, he announced to me via text message that he had enlisted in the military and would be leaving in August. I was able to recognize this as an attempt to get me to come home immediately. He does not approve of me staying out after dark with people he is not personally familiar with because he is insecure and fears that I will be unfaithful, an issue that had been resolved for a long time before his job loss and relapse in January. I told him that catering to these fears is not helpful and that I will not restrict time with my friends to make him comfortable. I recognized his announcement as a probably lie and told him that we would discuss it when I got home. When I finally did, he tried to punish me by announcing that he was leaving *forever*. At first I followed him and tried to stop him, but then let him go. I did call the police to let them know he was out and about, because I feared possible self harm (he has a history). Of course he was back within the hour. And of course, his military enlistment was a lie.
Recently I've embarked on a program meant to alleviate artistic block. One of the requirements of the program is that once a week, you take yourself on a date. You have to go alone. My last one involved going to a restaurant/bar I'd been wanting to check out because I heard they had really good food. He became very irritable when I was getting ready to go, but I went anyway. The program has been making a big difference so far in helping me to feel better about myself and I wasn't going to forego a vital component of it for his (non)benefit.

This was Wednesday night. Since then he has not been speaking to me. I have tried talking reasonably to him, but I have only gotten the silent treatment. When he does this, I am able to recognize it as an attempt to scare and manipulate me. While I do feel hurt by his treatment of me, I am not letting it affect how I view myself or what I'm doing. I know that I am doing the right thing for me, and for him too. He's escalated it now though by setting out his backpack and a change of clothes, which is definitely meant to be a sign for "I'm leaving FOREVER." I am supposed to meet friends at a community festival tonight- I invited him to accompany me, but he will not respond in any way. I will go on with my plans to spend time with my friends, because quite frankly, why would I want to spend my Saturday night with him if he is going to act this way? If he leaves while I am gone, then I know I will just have to accept that as God's will. Maybe I can ask one of my friends to stay with me overnight in that event. I finally feel strong enough to let this play out as it will. I still love him very much and miss the wonderful person I know is trapped in there, but I have resolved to love myself more.
I really feel like I can do this, that I can really let him go now if that's what's required of me, but send me some positive energy anyway- I know that it will still be hard, and every little bit will help!
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Old 06-29-2013, 05:19 PM
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Ann
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I finally feel strong enough to let this play out as it will.
This is good, what he chooses to do will unfold.

What about you? What would you like for yourself? Is having him remain at home as he is going to make you happy or will the anxiety and manipulation continue. Silent treatment is manipulation in a passive/aggressive worst way.

Would you be happier with him (as he is today) or without him ( as you are today)?

Something that has helped many of us regain our balance and reclaim our lives is going to live meetings. I cannot tell you how supportive they are and how they give us courage when we feel stuck.

Please spend at least as much time planning your future, your dreams, with or without him, as you do worrying about him as he is today. You are worth a better tomorrow.

Hugs
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Old 06-29-2013, 05:46 PM
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One of the things that is typical with the dance of addiction is that our behavior is very predictable. When we begin to change, the addict will often escalate their behavior trying to get us to behave in our very predictable manner. When we begin to change, we become unpredictable to them and they are left on the dance floor to dance all by themselves. In other words, their behavior is exposed......the manipulation is no longer getting the predictable response.

This is a dynamic change. Our own behavioral changes will cause a change in the dynamic of the relationship. It's is why we so often suggest that the loved ones of addicts take care of themselves first and foremost.

It is so good to read how you are taking care of YOU and allowing your husband the opportunity to take ownership of his own behavior and addiction. Your examples of how you are doing this provides a road map for others.

Keep taking care of you!!! Sending thoughts and prayers of support your way.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-29-2013, 06:03 PM
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dessyflash,

I think you are doing a great job of doing you!

I really feel like I can do this, that I can really let him go now if that's what's required of me, but send me some positive energy anyway- I know that it will still be hard, and every little bit will help!
Positive vibes sent your way, right away!

The silent treatment is the worst of passive aggressive, and I am ashamed to admit,
I used to drive my ex husband crazy with it. It was completely unfair and manipulative.

Continue to take care of yourself. You are doing so well.

Beth
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:45 PM
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Great discussion. Predictability and addiction (including co-addiction) go together. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Just a thought, Perhaps instead of trying to engage him, you should just leave him alone.
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Old 07-04-2013, 08:34 PM
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The full version of the serenity prayer continues after the four lines most are familiar with, the next three lines are:
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
It's that last line that caught my eye when I first read the full version. It seemed so counterintuitive to accept hardship. Aren't we supposed to be strong and vibrant, finding our true strength and self in overcoming the hardships that come our way? But to simply accept a hardship - how could that possibly give me peace? Yet when prompted by my sponsor to just try it for awhile, and let me tell you I wore his cell phone out with my calls during this phase, I found that it worked. It's realizing that some things simply will not change, irrespective of what is "fair" or "right." When I can truly accept these things, I find that I am no longer chained to them. I don't have to love having to accept, but I have to accept none the less. And once I get over the initial hurt, sense of un-fairness, and negative feelings, I find that what remains is peace.

Dessyflash, peace be with you.
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