Not2Old2Learn

I had what I thought was a loving relationship with my XABF until he broke up with me based on explanations that were very irrational and illogical. At the time I didn't realize he was an A. That realization has only come recently after visiting with him years later. During the visit, I noticed the things that I had overlooked or was in denial about while we were together about his drinking. I wanted to reconnect with him in hopes to establish a friendship.

I believe my need to reach out and reconnect was due to the rejection I had felt when he broke up with me as it had lingered with me for years. That and I truly missed my friend - the one that I had well before we got involved. The visit went well and we made plans to go to a concert together in September. I left concerned about his drinking but was happy to have re-established a connection with him in hopes that our friendship could be rebuilt. He has since communicated only to cancel the plans for the concert and weeks have gone by without any other word from him. It was as if the visit never took place. While I was not looking to get involved with him again as far as a relationship goes, I opened myself up to rejection by him again by seeking to reconnect with him as friends. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as before but it is rejection just the same. What is they say....rinse and repeat? Guilty as charged!

I am thankful that I do have the realization that he has a problem and the understanding that it is much bigger than me. I now understand that no matter how much I care for him or how great we get along, I have no influence over his actions, or in this case non-actions. Understanding all of that and looking within myself, I am able to identify that it was the rejection I felt that caused me to reach out to him. This has given me pause and realization that there are things that I need to work on.

I understand that feelings are a reaction to events or things people say or do but the fact that I hold on to that feeling like a sentence and feel guilt over it tells me that I have something to solve for. Thankfully it is not nearly as painful as it was years ago. It helps to have context about the way he acts now that I realize he has a problem. However, just understanding he has a problem when looking at this isn't enough. It doesn't explain why I allow myself to be victimized by the rejection of others. Why am I attracted to unavailable people? Why do feel rejected and bad about myself when they exit my life? They were emotionally unavailable to begin with. I have only had few committed relationships in my 40 something years. I think that is due to the fact that after a relationship ends, I am so down on myself about it for so long. It is frustrating and depressing to realize that I only repeat the cycle and waste years of my life feeling unworthy. Yet, I know I am not a bad person. I have flaws like everyone else but I am not a bad person.

Instead of having hope for the unavailable people that have rejected me in the past, I need to have hope for me and my future. I don't have control over them and cannot convince them that I am worthy to have in their life. I need to get to a place where I don't feel compelled to have a connection or friendship with an ex to feel validated. I have to find how to let go of the feeling of rejection pass and not carry it with me as a burden. While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.