shari07

As I read in here I cry a lot. I mean some things are so helpful but I read a lot of ABF's or AH's try or at least say they will try to quit and contact the significant others with nice words. My ABF just abandons me or sends texts like move on I am. Not only is he an A but he's a jealous extremely insecure person. When we're fighting and not speaking because once again he got drunk and I say I've had enough he runs all around doing as he pleases drinking as much as he wants, but if I go any where or do anything I'm the bad person, he thinks I sleep with or have slept with any man I ever speak to. He makes fights out of nothing. I have been with this man for almost 4 years and I feel so completely stupid for staying so long but mostly for still loving him. I keep thinking about going to al-anon but never have the courage to go, I'm a really shy person and am terrified to walk into a un known group/un comfortable situation alone. How is it so easy for him to just not care,I keep telling myself that's not love!! But why the heck do I still love him this should be easier for me! Does anyone else deal with not only drinking but jealousy and insecurity? I hope this makes sense I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

LexieCat

Hi, shari,

Yeah, you ARE making yourself crazy. Living with an alcoholic (even if you technically don't live together) does that to a person.

Alcoholism causes brain damage. Your b/f may be jealous and insecure by nature, but it is exacerbated by the drinking and his thinking is way out of whack.

Yes, I am going to recommend Al-Anon. It isn't the big to-do that you think it is. The meetings are small to medium in size (usually five to 25 people, typically), and everyone is there for the same reason. Nobody will expect you to say anything unless you want to. Everyone there knows how it feels to come in for the first time, so it is very low-stress. I have a feeling once you go, it will be such a relief to be with people who really GET what you are dealing with, it will be something you will come to love.

izzyrose05

I was dealing with lots of jealousy and insecurity even when he was sober. I couldn't talk to another middle aged man without him getting mad and trying to make me cut him out of my life in one way or the other. He was convinced I was sleeping around. My take on it, was his immense insecurity in himself and his belief that he wasn't good enough for me to love. I deal with his hate and blame now daily through social media. I deal with the rejection and I cry too. And then I laugh at the fact that I am upset about being rejected by an end stage alcoholic (even though I chose to walk away from it) I know only that the pain I feel now is equal to the pain I was experiencing staying with him and this pain will eventually go away! If I stayed or tried to keep him in my life, it would have continued. I have immersed myself in this site when I am not out with my kids or working or with friends. It will get better. Heartbreak is heartbreak and it hurts and then it heals.

Not2Old2Learn

I had what I thought was a loving relationship with my XABF until he broke up with me based on explanations that were very irrational and illogical. At the time I didn't realize he was an A. That realization has only come recently after visiting with him years later. During the visit, I noticed the things that I had overlooked or was in denial about while we were together about his drinking. I wanted to reconnect with him in hopes to establish a friendship.

I believe my need to reach out and reconnect was due to the rejection I had felt when he broke up with me as it had lingered with me for years. That and I truly missed my friend - the one that I had well before we got involved. The visit went well and we made plans to go to a concert together in September. I left concerned about his drinking but was happy to have re-established a connection with him in hopes that our friendship could be rebuilt. He has since communicated only to cancel the plans for the concert and weeks have gone by without any other word from him. It was as if the visit never took place. While I was not looking to get involved with him again as far as a relationship goes, I opened myself up to rejection by him again by seeking to reconnect with him as friends. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as before but it is rejection just the same. What is they say....rinse and repeat? Guilty as charged!

I am thankful that I do have the realization that he has a problem and the understanding that it is much bigger than me. I now understand that no matter how much I care for him or how great we get along, I have no influence over his actions, or in this case non-actions. Understanding all of that and looking within myself, I am able to identify that it was the rejection I felt that caused me to reach out to him. This has given me pause and realization that there are things that I need to work on.

I understand that feelings are a reaction to events or things people say or do but the fact that I hold on to that feeling like a sentence and feel guilt over it tells me that I have something to solve for. Thankfully it is not nearly as painful as it was years ago. It helps to have context about the way he acts now that I realize he has a problem. However, just understanding he has a problem when looking at this isn't enough. It doesn't explain why I allow myself to be victimized by the rejection of others. Why am I attracted to unavailable people? Why do feel rejected and bad about myself when they exit my life? They were emotionally unavailable to begin with. I have only had few committed relationships in my 40 something years. I think that is due to the fact that after a relationship ends, I am so down on myself about it for so long. It is frustrating and depressing to realize that I only repeat the cycle and waste years of my life feeling unworthy. Yet, I know I am not a bad person. I have flaws like everyone else but I am not a bad person.

Instead of having hope for the unavailable people that have rejected me in the past, I need to have hope for me and my future. I don't have control over them and cannot convince them that I am worthy to have in their life. I need to get to a place where I don't feel compelled to have a connection or friendship with an ex to feel validated. I have to find how to let go of the feeling of rejection pass and not carry it with me as a burden. While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.

Not2Old2Learn

My apologies. I read this post and it got me thinking. I thought I had created a new post vs. replying to this one. I did not mean to hijack your thread. I am so sorry.

LexieCat

It's OK--it's still relevant.

You can still start a new thread.