Toots:: Your post was very validating and I am grateful you shared your experience, which sounds so similar in that I also do not have closure, and am working on accepting the fact that certain events, or memories will trigger strong emotions in me, usually regret and guilt. I kept beating myself up emotionally because I could not get this issue resolved by now. Well, I can't resolve it.
When my son graduated last month, it was very painful to realize his dad was not there to see such a wonderful accomplishment by one of his children... my ex valued education so highly, he would have had a wonderful day.
I am not in love with him anymore, and did just fine after the divorce, but once he died my grief and all its attending emotions came to life.
I still have not had a real relationship since he died, I just have no interest in the men I have met, here and there, over the years.
Marcher:: Thank you for your kind and supportive post. You are right, we don't know what would have happened, had we chosen another alternative. And you are correct when you wrote I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had, and the financial security of my family came first... before location.
Thank you for for understanding. I may post more about this when my son gets married in August... the last time I saw my ex alive was 8 years ago at my daughter's wedding, the year before he died. For now, I will continue to focus on being present and of service to my clients, and supportive of my children, as taking the focus off me and helping others seems to be the best way for me to distract myself when I am stuck in my "what ifs".
I had written a letter to him but it was in the first year after his death... I may need to write another one.