1Dayatatyme

Shoes,
I just have to say IMHO, those shoes you are now using as your avatar are just not reflective of what a complex person you are.
Switching gears:
I do believe a lot of my last relapse has to do with a regret I just can't seem to resolve.
I use the saying "Forgive sounds good" on my profile picture because I am still struggling with forgiving myself.
Our family moved about every two years, due to my husband's career.
However, when we were faced with a difficult choice, which included staying in Seattle where we lived and all the kids were happy in their schools, but my husband would need to find another job, or move with current company to Nebraska or take offer from a competing company and move to Colorado.
WE meaning mostly practical myself, made the decision to move to Colorado.
YIKES!! The consequences of that decision have been horrendous on the one hand, and just fine on the other.
To name a few results of this move: my husband divorced me, my middle child turned into an angry juvenile delinquent for a year or two (Now he is fine - graduated college, great job, etc, etc,) my daughter was so angry she ditched school a lot ( yes, she turned out great... has a master's in education and a handsome husband); youngest child did fine, and as I mentioned in a post about a month ago, has graduated college and has a great job.
But, my ex husband has died in the meantime, about 7 years ago.
I beat myself up... so much regret... I really believe he would be alive if we had decided to stay in Seattle. And, the sad thing is, my heart yearns for Seattle, for the rain and the all that Seattle entails. And, I can't afford to move back there... the cost of living is high, and here I can make ends meet.
Plus, two of my three children are here.
I tell myself I made the best decision I could at that time, but I hate how my fear of financial insecurity drove that decision. If I had felt more secure, I would have stayed, and have faith my husband would have found a job.
But, it is all water under the bridge.
I live with this every day. Therapy doesn't help, it can't be changed.
So, b/c I feel so safe with you Marchers I can share what is on my heart.
Life goes on. I am clean. That is a miracle with this burden of guilt I carry.