Your habits have been counterproductive...depressing yourself with alcohol..stimulating with sugar and caffeine and your brain chemistry is all out of whack with self imposed controls rather than the ebbs and flow of life. I know of what you speak cuz I've done same. I am on my 26th day without alcohol and cigs (although I am on the patch as I just cannot face completely freaking out my brain chemistry). My suggestions:
Put a support system in place (A cyber forum like SR, SMART Recovery, etc, AA online or Face to Face..whatever you feel comfortable with..but you WILL need support for questions, lonelieness, emotional reactions, etc etc etc etc etc etc). I also have a counsellor I see bi-weekly.
Make a list of things you can do INSTEAD of reaching for alcohol. What will be your triggers and what will you do instead?
And for me, it really helps to only focus on the NOW. I don't overwhelm myself with thoughts of the future and try to not dwell too long on my regrets of the past. I just try to face each day and their arriving situations sober. I'm not announcing to everyone I meet that I'm never drinking again etc. I choose not to drink right now.
As I am in my mid 40's..I'm very concerned about the brain and possible organ damage I have already done as a result of a daily wine habit and many many binges containing whatever alcohol I could get my hands on. I just don't want to ingest any more poison.
I want my body to repair now...
This is a great place..and others will be along with ideas and support. Welcome.