"She doesn't have DUI's. She hasn't been arrested."
Even though, Shellcrusher, those look like get-out-of-jail-free cards when they finally happen in the alcoholic marriage, sometimes the alcoholic appears to hit a bottom because of the DUI or the arrest, and that causes the spouse to think "FINALLY the alcoholic is going to be DONE after this catastrophe" and the spouse, under extraordinary pressure from the alcoholic who is now making some serious promises to change, and from the alcoholic's family and friends, maybe from a counselor, maybe from another recovering alcoholic.....relents. And the spouse says, "Okay, let's give this thing another go." This is especially true when the alcoholic has turned on a massive amount of nonstop weeping.
But things goes south again, though maybe it's not until after 3 or 6 months' white-knuckle sobriety. The alcoholic picks up a drink again and the nightmare resets.
This story can just keep on repeating because as the crises repeat, so does the feeling that "we have surely reached the summit with this shocking episode." Promises are made, hope refueled and the next thing you know, as grizz remarked, 15 years have passed and the kids have had to live through all of it.
I know someone who had an AW and they had a lot of kids together and she just kept on drinking and the husband kept on trying to keep a lid on the whole situation, and do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, birthday parties. And she still kept drinking and sleeping through Christmas morning year after year after year.
And then one night driving drunk with her 12 year old in the car, she wrecked, and the child was taken a hospital emergency room.
You would think this would have changed everything. But it didn't. Because a remorseful, howling alcoholic is hard to say no to. So instead of making the needed and painful changes in the marriage, the husband traded up to a Volvo.
But finally, after 15 years of the husband trying to control the uncontrollable, there came the proverbial straw: she CHEATED on him. And he was so furious that he divorced her, got full custody, and threw her out of the house.
Why did it take him 15 years? I think because with every new bottom, he believed that surely, there is no way this woman will ever touch another drop of alcohol.
So it lasted a long time. And it didn't end until he found out about her affair (common with alcoholics) and spent a solid night throwing up.
So just be careful when you think that a DUI or arrest might turn the tide. It could actually just suck you further down the drain.