Hugs, Java,
I know what you mean about feeling like you're waking up to a nightmare. Thirty-seven is still VERY young (at least from where I sit, lol), and you have many, many years ahead of you. It's up to you what you make of those years. I know right now it feels completely overwhelming, but we get where we are going my setting out, one step at a time.
I was 15 years ago when I left my second husband, and along the way I landed in another 5-year relationship that was pretty bad, and also managed to drink myself into alcoholism--nearly five years sober, today.
I have an AWESOME new job, having retired from a great career, and anything is possible. Other people here have recovered from even more harrowing circumstances. You can do this. And you will discover the life you were meant to live.