I'd like to share my story

Old 06-26-2013, 10:48 PM
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I'd like to share my story

Hello,
I've been feeling that I need to tell my story mainly really so I can get some feedback on what's going on and help to understand behaviour; his and mine.
My alcoholic is my husband. We've been together for 19 years. I met him when I was 16 and we got together a year later.
I was a needy and insecure child, my parents fostered two disabled children during my childhood who remained with my family for the rest of their lives (they both passed away within the last two years). It was a stressful home my brother and sister suffered a lot of pain from their disability and my sister had a lot of behavioural issues. She ruled the roost. She could scream, shout, swear at you physically attack you (she was tiny and frail but she would drive into you with her electric wheelchair) and you just had to let it go. She also suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so we were always trying to resist being drawn into her need to correct and re-correct insignificant things. She was incredibly deep and insightful but at the same time had rages which came from nowhere and would knock you off your feet.
I learned to see beyond the behaviour and love the person (and look what good that's done me!!)
My mother suffered a lot as my sisters main carer as she got the brunt of the tongue lashing and also had to fight on my sisters behalf to get basic help and support.
The rest of us didn't get much of her and she was quite often angry and depressed. She also loved a drink and any time that friends would come over (not often we were geographically and socially isolated) my parents drank to get drunk.
There was always drama and fallings out in my home.
When my mother trained to be a therapist when I was 15 it became even more dramatic, she then had the words to try you up in emotional knots.
Guilt also reigned supreme. I've felt guilty most of my life.
Enter the charming and very attractive alcoholic to be. Already a regular cannabis smoker and had been convicted of drink driving a couple of days after he passed his test ( a silly immature mistake he said) I thought he was exotic and he was my ticket out of the freaky home I'd been living in all my life. It felt different with him, I waited for 3 weeks before I had sex with him when I would normally sleep with anyone who showed me any attention within hours.
He was interesting and made me mix tapes, explained the meaning of song lyrics and he was 5 years older than me.
I moved in with him into a horrible bedsit within a year.
My parents initially liked him but that soon changed, they saw then what has taken me years. Arrogance, selfishness, disrespect ......He ended the relationship with my father for many years when he pushed him off a chair on the night of my mothers graduation.
Over the years the relationship has come to an uneasy truce although my parents hardly ever visit me now that I live with my husband in the UK.
It's been easy for me to hide his behaviour and he has warned my off talking to them about out relationship as both he and my parents believe that I created a lot of the problems between them in the early days. I would complain about him to them and vice versa. I was a needy kid and didn't have a clue about how to deal with relationships.
Anyway.
Over the past 10 years the drinking ahs become more andmore of a pronounced issue and his behaviour has been very bizarre and erratic at times.
He has been violent and he has been abusive and I have felt shocked, out of my mind and depressed. He has ruined every holiday and many occasions,didn't come to my sister or brothers funeral (i didn't want him there telling everyone how to get a grip of themselves)
He drank and I drank with him a lot until my brother died.
I stopped drinking for ages and decided I wanted to have a baby.
Did OI mention that during those 10 years I got educated, a bachelors with honours and a Masters with merit (from a top 5 university).
I'm pretty clever (hmmm!!)
So he didn't change while I was pregnant and he didn't change in the 1st year (much)
He flipped out at New Year as I believe this is pretty common I believe (I have written another post about this) and I resolved to leave. I've had a few slips but overall I have remained committed to leaving. I have saved some money and I am hoping to go/throw him out in September (I'm still deciding).
I knew that I needed help now that I'm living this (extra) dual existence. Acting normally on the outside and plotting away on the inside so I joined SR and have been to my 1st Al-Anon meeting.
I'm not criticizing or nagging about alcohol. I merely state my position about what it's doing to his health, our relationship and our family when he brings it up (you know...on days where he feels so rough that he just can't face himself...a moments clarity, then back on the merry go round.)
He is being nicer! He is helping around the house, interacting. with our son more. I am confused as hell. I am pregnant. 9 weeks. I had just resolved to forget about having another child when a condom broke and ta dah...pregnant! I'll never regret this child.
So what the heck is going on, is it because I'm not getting on his case. It is the thing that triggers a huge defensive reaction.
Anyway that is a shortened (but still very long) version of my story and I've got a 19 month old jumping all over me so I'm going to leave it there.
Any thoughts welcome. It's done me good to say it all out.
Blessings xxx
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Old 06-26-2013, 10:53 PM
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When I say I'm still deciding....I don't mean about leaving I mean about whether I should leave or kick him out. He gets aggressive when challenged BUT we may just have a couple of police officers moving in next door. I'm keeping my fingers crossed their offer is accepted. Now that would be amazing...heaven sent? xxx
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:12 AM
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Welcome to SR. You must feel so terrible lonely. Your childhood story is very difficult to read, as you were the victim of extreme narcissists (yes, narcissists, who inflated themselves even more by fostering two disabled children) and you have now found yourself in another prison run by another extreme narcissist.

I'm glad you got those degrees and I'm glad you're saving money to get out of that marriage and I hope you will not give up your vision of a safe life, with safe people, and a peaceful and loving home for your children--one entirely different from the one in which your own childhood was sacrificed to your parents' selfish egos. (That your mother became a therapist makes me shudder. But I'm not surprised. Narcissists love that kind of power).

Get out as soon as you can. If you can, visit a domestic abuse center for some advice on how to do it in a way that increases your chances of safety. With two babies, you will need some people to have your back.

You deserve to be loved, gently and consistently, without fear or dread, and your children deserve the same. They will suffer if you stay in the marriage and I believe you know that. You are intelligent and resourceful. I believe you will find your way out if you believe you actually are worthy of it. That will be your great challenge.

I hope this forum can be a source of support for you. Many here have had to break away from abusive families and brutal partners. You are not alone.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:00 AM
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I've worked in the DV field for many years, and often the abuse escalates during pregnancy. It would probably be easier for you to get out sooner, rather than later, when you are further along. Having police officers next door won't necessarily keep you safe.

I second EG's suggestion that you contact a DV advocacy center for some safety planning. It sounds as if you will have some good resources to support yourself and your children, but you must remain safe in the meantime and get to a safe place as soon as possible.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:26 AM
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Wow, it sounds like you are finally ready to start living your life FOR YOU! I don't have any experience with DV but I hope you are able to get some distance soon, for you & your kids. ((((((hugs))))))
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:05 PM
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Thank you all.
You know, I feel so sad today. Obviously I am dealing with pregnancy hormones too (today I have had a lot of criticism levied at me for being different now that I'm pregnant) but I think I'm really living through a thunderstorm of realization about how utterly sh*t most of my life has been. Not being self pitying just feeling a bit stunned. I've always had it denied that anything was that bad and if it was then I should be examining myself for the reasons why.
What shape am I? Who the f**k am I on the inside? And how do I make this journey without exploding?
Imagine, I'm 37 next week and I don't know who I am. Like waking up from a nightmare into a nightmare.
I feel so sad
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:14 PM
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Hugs, Java,

I know what you mean about feeling like you're waking up to a nightmare. Thirty-seven is still VERY young (at least from where I sit, lol), and you have many, many years ahead of you. It's up to you what you make of those years. I know right now it feels completely overwhelming, but we get where we are going my setting out, one step at a time.

I was 15 years ago when I left my second husband, and along the way I landed in another 5-year relationship that was pretty bad, and also managed to drink myself into alcoholism--nearly five years sober, today.

I have an AWESOME new job, having retired from a great career, and anything is possible. Other people here have recovered from even more harrowing circumstances. You can do this. And you will discover the life you were meant to live.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:30 PM
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Thanks Lexie,
You're right but I just feel,scared and daunted about what I have to go through to get to where I want to be. I feel like I've been through so much already but I want better for my children. I honestly feel like I don't know which way is up. Tomorrow I'll probably feel better. I know that staying is out of the question and leaving is imperative but today I feel like a child inside and want someone to take care of me (never going to happen and always feel better when I do stuff for myself anyway).
Safe to be vulnerable here though right?
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:38 PM
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Absolutely. Be careful with your computer usage--cover your tracks.

Getting to some Al-Anon meetings, and talking to a DV expert about safety planning wouldn't hurt. They are concrete steps you can take to promote your own well-being until you have a more definite plan in place.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:54 PM
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I've been resistant to the DV thing but I think you're right. I'll look into it.
Thank you xxx
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