Javajoetoes

Hello,
I've been feeling that I need to tell my story mainly really so I can get some feedback on what's going on and help to understand behaviour; his and mine.
My alcoholic is my husband. We've been together for 19 years. I met him when I was 16 and we got together a year later.
I was a needy and insecure child, my parents fostered two disabled children during my childhood who remained with my family for the rest of their lives (they both passed away within the last two years). It was a stressful home my brother and sister suffered a lot of pain from their disability and my sister had a lot of behavioural issues. She ruled the roost. She could scream, shout, swear at you physically attack you (she was tiny and frail but she would drive into you with her electric wheelchair) and you just had to let it go. She also suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so we were always trying to resist being drawn into her need to correct and re-correct insignificant things. She was incredibly deep and insightful but at the same time had rages which came from nowhere and would knock you off your feet.
I learned to see beyond the behaviour and love the person (and look what good that's done me!!)
My mother suffered a lot as my sisters main carer as she got the brunt of the tongue lashing and also had to fight on my sisters behalf to get basic help and support.
The rest of us didn't get much of her and she was quite often angry and depressed. She also loved a drink and any time that friends would come over (not often we were geographically and socially isolated) my parents drank to get drunk.
There was always drama and fallings out in my home.
When my mother trained to be a therapist when I was 15 it became even more dramatic, she then had the words to try you up in emotional knots.
Guilt also reigned supreme. I've felt guilty most of my life.
Enter the charming and very attractive alcoholic to be. Already a regular cannabis smoker and had been convicted of drink driving a couple of days after he passed his test ( a silly immature mistake he said) I thought he was exotic and he was my ticket out of the freaky home I'd been living in all my life. It felt different with him, I waited for 3 weeks before I had sex with him when I would normally sleep with anyone who showed me any attention within hours.
He was interesting and made me mix tapes, explained the meaning of song lyrics and he was 5 years older than me.
I moved in with him into a horrible bedsit within a year.
My parents initially liked him but that soon changed, they saw then what has taken me years. Arrogance, selfishness, disrespect ......He ended the relationship with my father for many years when he pushed him off a chair on the night of my mothers graduation.
Over the years the relationship has come to an uneasy truce although my parents hardly ever visit me now that I live with my husband in the UK.
It's been easy for me to hide his behaviour and he has warned my off talking to them about out relationship as both he and my parents believe that I created a lot of the problems between them in the early days. I would complain about him to them and vice versa. I was a needy kid and didn't have a clue about how to deal with relationships.
Anyway.
Over the past 10 years the drinking ahs become more andmore of a pronounced issue and his behaviour has been very bizarre and erratic at times.
He has been violent and he has been abusive and I have felt shocked, out of my mind and depressed. He has ruined every holiday and many occasions,didn't come to my sister or brothers funeral (i didn't want him there telling everyone how to get a grip of themselves)
He drank and I drank with him a lot until my brother died.
I stopped drinking for ages and decided I wanted to have a baby.
Did OI mention that during those 10 years I got educated, a bachelors with honours and a Masters with merit (from a top 5 university).
I'm pretty clever (hmmm!!)
So he didn't change while I was pregnant and he didn't change in the 1st year (much)
He flipped out at New Year as I believe this is pretty common I believe (I have written another post about this) and I resolved to leave. I've had a few slips but overall I have remained committed to leaving. I have saved some money and I am hoping to go/throw him out in September (I'm still deciding).
I knew that I needed help now that I'm living this (extra) dual existence. Acting normally on the outside and plotting away on the inside so I joined SR and have been to my 1st Al-Anon meeting.
I'm not criticizing or nagging about alcohol. I merely state my position about what it's doing to his health, our relationship and our family when he brings it up (you know...on days where he feels so rough that he just can't face himself...a moments clarity, then back on the merry go round.)
He is being nicer! He is helping around the house, interacting. with our son more. I am confused as hell. I am pregnant. 9 weeks. I had just resolved to forget about having another child when a condom broke and ta dah...pregnant! I'll never regret this child.
So what the heck is going on, is it because I'm not getting on his case. It is the thing that triggers a huge defensive reaction.
Anyway that is a shortened (but still very long) version of my story and I've got a 19 month old jumping all over me so I'm going to leave it there.
Any thoughts welcome. It's done me good to say it all out.
Blessings xxx