In Al-Anon there's a pamphlet titled "A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic." It also, of course, applies to the families of drug addicts.
Its message to family members is that if they protect the alcoholic/addict from experiencing the painful consequences of the drinking/using, they are encouraging the addict to think he does not have a problem. When the addict uses, he escapes the pain and anxieties of life. But while he uses, his family experiences profound pain and anxiety. And then, when he comes off the high, he does not want to experience the consequences of using. So instead the family experiences the consequences: the family covers up the damage done in various ways and in doing so the family experiences pain and again suffers for what the addict does. But the addict hasn't suffered: he found escape through getting high, and then when he came off the high, his family rescued him from the consequences. So why would he ever stop using?
The pamphlet also includes a message about love: that love cannot exist without justice. That love will be destroyed in an environment of exploitation. And that love between the family and the addict will be replaced by resentment on both sides, if the pattern continues: the addict using and experiencing no pain and no consequences, and the family suffering during the using and after the using because they are the ones having to pay the consequences. Love will be destroyed.
The pamphlet advises family members to become educated about the disease, through attending Al-Anon, through reading, and through professional help. Because if they do not understand how the addict works them, they will help the disease progress, and in the process they will become emotionally and mentally ill.
Changing one's behavior toward the addict can open the way for the addict to find recovery, but it is not a guarantee. Some addicts never find recovery even though their families do. But to do nothing and to continue the destructive patterns which every family without exception fall into when addiction takes control, is to greatly lessen the chances the addict will find sobriety. And the family members will remain quite emotionally ill because of their traumatic experiences with the addict which have gone untreated and unhealed.
I share all this, Onenight, to let you know that as you attempt to deal with this very serious situation, you need outside help. You are starting to change your reactions, based on what you are learning here at SR and perhaps some other reading, but addicts are powerful, they are masters at manipulating others into self-doubt and self-blame, and they usually control their families completely.
You are trying to set a boundary about how you will be treated, and under what basic conditions you are willing to live with a marriage partner, and of course that is a good thing. But addiction is powerful, he will blindside you, lie to you, control you even when you think everything is improving, if he is an addict who is not done with the drug. And your husband seems nowhere near done with the drug. Right now he is trying to figure out how to keep using and make you fall in line.
Will you consider getting a counselor who has real experience with families of addiction? Just for you. Not for the two of you. Just you. Somehow there where you are you need to find some outside help.