Argument with Husband

Old 06-23-2013, 09:07 PM
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Argument with Husband

My husband used on Friday night when he was out with his friends. He agreed that it would only be Friday night. Then he had some left over and used it on Saturday morning. We had a good weekend and he was trying his best to make me feel better because I dumped on him in the middle of the week last week about how his weekend use was affecting me.

Today he was clean and a little while ago we had a talk. He was praising himself for not using except like he said, and he ignores the part where he used on Saturday morning, and later admits he used the last little bit this morning. Then I told him that I thought he might have a real problem here. He couldnt even keep his word and not use over the weekend. We ended up arguing, because I went back and was telling him how I cant take his weekend behavior anymore, and that I was sick of him raping me every weekend. I made a bad choice of words to him when I said that. He does not do that. I always say yes, but he threatens to leave and go to a prostitute or pick up someone at the bar. That is emotional manipulation at the very least. I told him next time he uses and it starts to be unpleasant for me in any way I will leave for the weekend, and if he cheats on me then we are over. He has been denying he manipulates me, or that he ever said he would cheat on me. Now he is off in the house pouting and said I dont have to sleep with him if its that awful for me, and he is sleeping in the guest room tonight. But you know I dotn care. It felt good to say what I felt to him. He is not high, and he needs to hear it. Im going to step back and let him make the next move. I have fought the impulse to go and apologize, say I should have used certain words to him. But Ive felt those words and now he needs to sit with it. I dont know why Im telling this to everyone here, but I have no one else to tell and maybe someone will relate.
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:39 PM
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In Al-Anon there's a pamphlet titled "A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic." It also, of course, applies to the families of drug addicts.

Its message to family members is that if they protect the alcoholic/addict from experiencing the painful consequences of the drinking/using, they are encouraging the addict to think he does not have a problem. When the addict uses, he escapes the pain and anxieties of life. But while he uses, his family experiences profound pain and anxiety. And then, when he comes off the high, he does not want to experience the consequences of using. So instead the family experiences the consequences: the family covers up the damage done in various ways and in doing so the family experiences pain and again suffers for what the addict does. But the addict hasn't suffered: he found escape through getting high, and then when he came off the high, his family rescued him from the consequences. So why would he ever stop using?

The pamphlet also includes a message about love: that love cannot exist without justice. That love will be destroyed in an environment of exploitation. And that love between the family and the addict will be replaced by resentment on both sides, if the pattern continues: the addict using and experiencing no pain and no consequences, and the family suffering during the using and after the using because they are the ones having to pay the consequences. Love will be destroyed.

The pamphlet advises family members to become educated about the disease, through attending Al-Anon, through reading, and through professional help. Because if they do not understand how the addict works them, they will help the disease progress, and in the process they will become emotionally and mentally ill.

Changing one's behavior toward the addict can open the way for the addict to find recovery, but it is not a guarantee. Some addicts never find recovery even though their families do. But to do nothing and to continue the destructive patterns which every family without exception fall into when addiction takes control, is to greatly lessen the chances the addict will find sobriety. And the family members will remain quite emotionally ill because of their traumatic experiences with the addict which have gone untreated and unhealed.

I share all this, Onenight, to let you know that as you attempt to deal with this very serious situation, you need outside help. You are starting to change your reactions, based on what you are learning here at SR and perhaps some other reading, but addicts are powerful, they are masters at manipulating others into self-doubt and self-blame, and they usually control their families completely.

You are trying to set a boundary about how you will be treated, and under what basic conditions you are willing to live with a marriage partner, and of course that is a good thing. But addiction is powerful, he will blindside you, lie to you, control you even when you think everything is improving, if he is an addict who is not done with the drug. And your husband seems nowhere near done with the drug. Right now he is trying to figure out how to keep using and make you fall in line.

Will you consider getting a counselor who has real experience with families of addiction? Just for you. Not for the two of you. Just you. Somehow there where you are you need to find some outside help.
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Old 06-24-2013, 06:40 AM
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Today he was clean and a little while ago we had a talk. He was praising himself for not using except like he said, and he ignores the part where he used on Saturday morning, and later admits he used the last little bit this morning.

i'm not sure you get what CLEAN means....he used all weekend, including yesterday morning. for all you know, he could be using all the time, not JUST on the weekends. coke takes a minimum of three days to clear the system, AFTER the last use. thus it's no surprise that the cravings kick into high gear about day 3 or so. or why come Friday night he's off to the races again. and then brings some home - sure as hell ain't leaving it behind, and to help take the edge off. there's that constant mental battle - do it all now? save some for later? now? later? and if there is some left it talks to you, calls you....

I know you are trying to compartmentalize this as just a weekend thing....but using is using no matter what day of the week it is.

its truly disturbing how he uses you for sex. demands it. and threatens to go get a hooker or somebody else if you don't give in. sorry, but that is just sick. and wrong. he does not VALUE you as a whole person and partner....only as a part of his sick twisted drug induced fantasies.

you need some help to navigate this. because it's just too much and too overwhelming on your own. you don't yet understand the full gravity of the situation. NO ONE deserves to live like this. to be treated like this. to tolerate this.
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Old 06-24-2013, 07:56 AM
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Addiction and drug use aside, if ANY man ever manipulated me for sex by saying they would go to someone else if I didn't give in to their demands, they would be to the curb instantly. That is disrespectful and unacceptable in my book. I am not a toy or object to be used, I am a person to be loved and cared for......that goes for you too!

Clean in my book is 100% not using for an extended period of time, at minimum until at least the withdrawals and immediate physical cravings have passed. Maybe you can call it slightly 'sober' if he hasn't used for a couple of days, but I wouldn't call that clean.
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Old 06-24-2013, 09:11 AM
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As hid drug addiction progresses he will no longer have "a little left" the next morning. He will be a full blown addict then.
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Old 06-25-2013, 01:41 PM
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I feel sort of numb today, dont know what Im feeling. He continues to stay in the guest room, but did come to me Sunday night and apologized and said he could tell I was very upset, he believed what I told him was how I saw it going down, but he was having trouble thinking he behaved that way. Said he was going to give me some space and he would think about everything I said. He did say if he ever mistreated me again then I needed to kick him out, or leave myself because he never wanted to hurt me. he meant in that minute not pack up and leave for good I dont think. We havent talked about it since. We did watch tv together last night and he held my hand. I dont know what to do.

When I read online, or here I sometimes feel worse. Im not sure it helps in some ways, maybe wait and see what happens next with him. I realize now what I was doing to myself, and I am angry at myself about it. It all seemed like it happened fast even though its been happening a couple of months once a week. But I feel like I got a kick in the head now and Im awake.

I broke down and talked to one of my girlfriends, she doesnt have much connection to my husband or other friends that might start a rumor or anything like that. She thinks he is under stress and being a guy is using this to let off steam and supress his emotions. She said I did the right thing talking to him, and said I can come stay with her anytime no matter how late if I need to leave because of the way he is acting. I feel better now that I told someone and her reaction helped me.

I havent decided what to do about seeing someone to talk about drug addiction, maybe I will wait and see what he does next if anything. I guess I am scared to open the box bigger, or maybe prematurely.

Thanks to everyone who replied to me.
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Old 06-25-2013, 02:11 PM
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i'm glad you opened up to a friend and that friend was so receptive, that's a GOOD friend to have!!
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Old 06-25-2013, 04:22 PM
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I agree with what Anvil said. It's so common that wives of addicts keep the addict's secrets and then find themselves completely alone because of it. So I'm glad there is one friend there you can talk to. But if it's addiction--not just your husband abusing drugs for whatever reason, but instead is true addictive disease--then your friend will not be the person to advise you. I am 99% sure she will tell you all the wrong things (unless she tells you to talk to a professional).

I understand the numb feeling, too.

Let us know if we can support you anytime you need it.
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