mv6348

For the past four years I have given my all to an alcoholic. For the past four years I have lost sense of who I as and as painful as it is to say goodbye, I am trying to move forward every day.

Rationally speaking I know what is the right thing to do:

- He is emotionally immature.
- He is unstable.
- He never treated me like what I wanted or deserved.
- He betrayed me in some many ways.
- He is selfish.

Yes, we had good times and many good moments, but looking back, I was never really at peace with myself or in the relationship. He is a good man, but he is a good man with TONS of issues.

He is actually sober 90something days. I want to be happy for him, but I am hurt so one thing that I am acknowledging that is OK to feel indifferent about it.

Deep down I do want to believe that he is sober and I hope to God he is, but then, he hasn't dealt with all the issues that actually lead him to be an alcoholic. Which to be honest, I find it hard to believe. Knowing him, the many relapses, his behavior, and attitude, I am having a really hard time to believe that is actually feeling really good and strong about his recovery. We Maybe he is... who knows? Argh! We have only texted two times and he says he is feeling great and going strong! How can that be possible? Good for him, right?

Emotionally, that is a different story. I miss him, my stomach gets so sick thinking of him dating another woman, I am hurting and want him to hurt, I want him to care, I feel very lonely, I feel sad. The fact that he is not hurting and feeling indifferent about the break up sucks. He told me that he just doesn't have time to think about it or dwell on things because his life is pretty fragile at the moment. He made a metaphor of walking on top of a fence, having alcohol in one side and depression on the other one. He needs to keep walking on the fence, moving forward, because otherwise he will fall. I get that I have NO power over his alcohol problems and recovery, however, I don't like the fact that I don't and will never understand how the alcoholic brain works.

I am having a REALLY hard time coping with these two contradictions. My brain says something but my heart reacts a different way.

I think I am ready to detach, I really want to, but I hate that I still think of that "hope" that he will come back, even when rationally speaking, I know he has broken my heart way too much, damaged my soul, and that as of today, we will never work out.

I have ok days and bad days. These past three days have been very emotionally confusing. I am reading a bunch, going to meetings, and I think, over analyzing everything...

This whole detachment is hard. Very Hard!