Detaching or at least trying to.

Old 06-23-2013, 11:06 AM
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Detaching or at least trying to.

For the past four years I have given my all to an alcoholic. For the past four years I have lost sense of who I as and as painful as it is to say goodbye, I am trying to move forward every day.

Rationally speaking I know what is the right thing to do:

- He is emotionally immature.
- He is unstable.
- He never treated me like what I wanted or deserved.
- He betrayed me in some many ways.
- He is selfish.

Yes, we had good times and many good moments, but looking back, I was never really at peace with myself or in the relationship. He is a good man, but he is a good man with TONS of issues.

He is actually sober 90something days. I want to be happy for him, but I am hurt so one thing that I am acknowledging that is OK to feel indifferent about it.

Deep down I do want to believe that he is sober and I hope to God he is, but then, he hasn't dealt with all the issues that actually lead him to be an alcoholic. Which to be honest, I find it hard to believe. Knowing him, the many relapses, his behavior, and attitude, I am having a really hard time to believe that is actually feeling really good and strong about his recovery. We Maybe he is... who knows? Argh! We have only texted two times and he says he is feeling great and going strong! How can that be possible? Good for him, right?

Emotionally, that is a different story. I miss him, my stomach gets so sick thinking of him dating another woman, I am hurting and want him to hurt, I want him to care, I feel very lonely, I feel sad. The fact that he is not hurting and feeling indifferent about the break up sucks. He told me that he just doesn't have time to think about it or dwell on things because his life is pretty fragile at the moment. He made a metaphor of walking on top of a fence, having alcohol in one side and depression on the other one. He needs to keep walking on the fence, moving forward, because otherwise he will fall. I get that I have NO power over his alcohol problems and recovery, however, I don't like the fact that I don't and will never understand how the alcoholic brain works.

I am having a REALLY hard time coping with these two contradictions. My brain says something but my heart reacts a different way.

I think I am ready to detach, I really want to, but I hate that I still think of that "hope" that he will come back, even when rationally speaking, I know he has broken my heart way too much, damaged my soul, and that as of today, we will never work out.

I have ok days and bad days. These past three days have been very emotionally confusing. I am reading a bunch, going to meetings, and I think, over analyzing everything...

This whole detachment is hard. Very Hard!
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Old 06-23-2013, 11:14 AM
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You are very articulate. You are not alone. I mimic every thought you expressed. I too am struggling with detaching. I believe it will only come with time.
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Old 06-23-2013, 11:47 AM
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mv,

He is an EX. You guys have broken up. You aren't obligated to feel any way in particular about his recovery. And how HE feels right now is really not your concern.

I SUGGEST you stop contacting him and block his messages to you. Ongoing contact between the two of you will only keep you from moving forward with your life. If you must, send him one last message saying that you wish him the best, but that for your own sake you must ask him to stop contacting you. Then block any further messages.

Many of us (myself included) found that not getting regular updates on an ex's progress (or lack thereof) helped us get OUT of that mode where we continued to pine for the dreams that were never based in reality. I didn't stop caring about my second husband, but I found my life became much more peaceful and pleasant when I wasn't getting regular interruptions about what was going on with him.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:37 PM
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I get everything that you said and that is what I am working towards to.... at this moment, I care for him as an individual. My goal is to not forget about him, after all he was part of my life.... but my goal right now is to neutralize the power that I have allowed him to have over me.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:46 PM
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OK, so what I'm suggesting is that one way to move that process along is to cut off contact for the time being. Not necessarily forever, but for now. Give yourself a chance. As long as you are texting each other, emailing, calling, checking FB, etc., you are staying hooked into what he is doing, how he is feeling.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:48 PM
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No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4y...e_gdata_player">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4y...e_gdata_player" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350">
I have tried detaching before. It does not work. Detaching half way is like a loose electric connection. Its hazardous to both the detacher and the detached.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
I have tried detaching before. It does not work. Detaching half way is like a loose electric connection. Its hazardous to both the detacher and the detached.
Oooh, I LIKE that one!
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:53 PM
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going through the same thing right now ex and I haven't talked in almost ten days. His family is picking him up from rehab on Tuesday after his Graduation and it kills me that I won't be apart of it. But I have to let go and let God. I know I will constantly wonder about his progress but I can't stop my own life in the progress. Meetings really do help, going back to to the gym and doing things for me really reminds me of my self worth. It took a long time for me to get where I am but the only thing I can do is promise myself never to get back to this place again.
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Old 06-23-2013, 02:54 PM
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I want him to care, I feel very lonely, I feel sad. The fact that he is not hurting and feeling indifferent about the break up sucks. He told me that he just doesn't have time to think about it or dwell on things because his life is pretty fragile at the moment.

you do not KNOW what he is really feeling - likely he doesn't either. we compound our own problems by thinking we KNOW what others are thinking and feeling.

We have only texted two times

again, we can create an entire planetary reality based on 30 words or less.

best if we stick to the facts. as lexi said, he's your EX. you guys broke up. these things happen ALL the time....we may not like it, and it may hurt, but we will survive, we will move on. live and let live.
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:13 PM
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I know how you feel. I was with my ex for four years too and it really hurt that he seemingly took the break up so well while I was absolutely shattered. I try to remember that he is an alcoholic and that relationships don't mean the same thing to him as they do to me. His primary relationship was and still is with alcohol.

Your ex is recently sober so it makes sense that sobriety is all he can care about right now. I know it still hurts, which is why I have to agree with everyone else and recommend no contact. It is too hard to heal when the wounds are repeatedly reopened. I have had contact with my ex a couple of times since we broke up six months ago, and absolutely nothing good came of it. The last time consisted of a few emails only but seriously set me back. NC is scary, but have faith, it really works!
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by mv6348 View Post
Emotionally, that is a different story. I miss him, my stomach gets so sick thinking of him dating another woman, I am hurting and want him to hurt, I want him to care, I feel very lonely, I feel sad. The fact that he is not hurting and feeling indifferent about the break up sucks. He told me that he just doesn't have time to think about it or dwell on things because his life is pretty fragile at the moment. He made a metaphor of walking on top of a fence, having alcohol in one side and depression on the other one. He needs to keep walking on the fence, moving forward, because otherwise he will fall. I get that I have NO power over his alcohol problems and recovery, however, I don't like the fact that I don't and will never understand how the alcoholic brain works.

I am having a REALLY hard time coping with these two contradictions. My brain says something but my heart reacts a different way.
What has been working for me is to continue reading SR and other sources and to reinforce the rational decision you have made. This builds your immunity with continuous aha moments.

For example, just like you I was sick to my stomach thinking of my ex dating another guy. When we first broke up she took to another guy like fish to water. I was spun around like, wth did she even love me? How can the thought of a new person not even cross my mind while she is already doing this...

What helped me is a post I read where it explains that many alcoholics (maybe all?) jump to new relationships because they can't cope with themselves, don't have a sense of themselves at their core and need to be validated by someone. It's some sort of built in fail safe to keep drinking, and not deal with the underlying issues. I may not be summing this up well but the one post did "it's something alcholics just do".

Reading that was like...oh not because she doesn't love me but because she's an alcoholic. Oh and...why should I be care? I shouldn't be basing my self worth on her future actions, there's really no link there.

Once I was over being worried about her dating a new person it all clicked into place for me, I had 100% reached and felt it was time to let her go.

I would say a good 6 months of no contact would be good for you or risk your wound not being healed enough and bleeding again...
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Old 06-24-2013, 04:58 AM
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Zenme -- where is that thread?

Thanks everybody! I have good days and bad days. The plan is no contact for sure and he actually knows that and is respecting it. It is more me, my brain, my thoughts what is bothering me right now.

I know he is an EX and I shouldn't be "worrying" about him, the future, the ladies, etc. However, I think this is all part of the coping process and its natural to think all of this. We broke up a month ago so it is fairly recent.

I've been reading lots of alcoholism, which is great, but I came to realization that I am focusing more on reading and trying to understand his disease, rather than spending the energy into my own recovery.

This whole process is very painful because I don't know where to draw the line. Time will tell and help me heal for sure. In the mean time I have to cope with every emotion.
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Old 06-24-2013, 01:35 PM
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I'm in the same place! Just got broken up with a week ago because he needs to focus on his sobriety and now worry about our relationship. I too am devestated and it's so hard for me to focus. There's always that hope they'll stay sober and will regret letting you go. Another reason why I joined this forum. I keep thinking about him and getting upset when I heard in an alanon meeting "God did for me what I could not do for myself" I hate to think this is the end for us, but it makes sense. I know we all have a long road ahead of us but it does feel better knowing we're not alone and there are people we can count on!
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Old 06-24-2013, 02:22 PM
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for now he may be respecting that, however he is not REQUIRED to....thus if he does attempt contact that's where you have to hike up yer britches and not answer, respond or reply.

remember....NO contact goes both ways. that means you honor no contact as well!

don't be surprised if you start "looking for" or "wishing" he'd try to contact you. that's part of that chase me thing....and it's totally normal.
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Old 06-24-2013, 02:54 PM
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I couldn't find the thread =\. Since my breakup my ex has been contacting me with all sorts of texts. Some I can tell are under the influence, others saying how she doesn't want to lose me, and others just giving me an update, others jabbing at me, etc, etc.

My line is to only respond to the ones that involve us meeting up one last time. I'm glad I only had 15 quick mins to break it off as I didn't want to get "talked" back into a bad situation. I agreed to talk it over with her later once some of the smoke had cleared. I believe this is fair and the right thing to do for me and her, closure wise.

Sounds like you are still sorting through a lot of understandably difficult feelings. How about this. Any contact that would make you, or ends up making you feel bad, spiral, takes time from you and what you have to do...draw the line there.

my 2 cents.
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Old 06-24-2013, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post
How about this. Any contact that would make you, or ends up making you feel bad, spiral, takes time from you and what you have to do...draw the line there.
The problem with that "rule" is that it doesn't work. People make those ill-advised contacts (or accept them) believing that there IS a good reason for it, that it won't wind up making them feel bad, that it won't hurt anything. It's just like the rationales alcoholics have for having a drink. This one won't hurt, I'm in control, yadayada.

By the time "no contact" is needed, we are often pretty poor judges of what contacts will be helpful or harmful. Thus, avoiding ALL contact is often the safest, sanest course to avoid being sucked into those bad situations.
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Old 06-24-2013, 03:27 PM
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Thanks Lexie, I agree with no contact and have used it in past relationships. I was trying to come up with something that may work for her but thanks for dismissing it as I haven't tried that myself.

On another note what do you think of a last meeting with the ex for closure? I'm not worried about getting talked back into it, waaay past that point =).
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Old 06-24-2013, 03:32 PM
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I dunno, I think "closure" is overrated, and it also presumes that both parties are firing on all cylinders, so to speak. IOW, she may very well get NO sense of closure because she is an alcoholic and not thinking correctly.

If you are sure that it won't suck you back in, then there may not be much harm, but it may not do much good, either. Sometimes the cleanest breaks are the, well, cleanest.
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:55 AM
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I agree with LexieCat. I think closure is overrated. We broke up and that is my closure.

All of these comments are very helpful. I have good days and bad days.

The whole detaching process will take time because he is kind of like my drug and I am used to him. Now I am focusing on creating new memories. Do I think of him? YES. Do I care about him? YES. Do I miss him? YES! However, I've found myself reading obsessively and learning about alcoholism and his disease, that I actually forgot to focus on what I like.

This disease is FASCINATING and as I continue to move forward I just wish him well along every single alcoholic in this world, because it is certainly a disease not easy to live with.
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