Hi and welcome Notgivingin
yeah it seems to be incredibly hard to stop again once we pick up after a break. They say that alcoholism is a progressive thing, even if we're not drinking, and my own experience reflects that too.
As hard as it is to stop tho, it's not impossible
Have you thought of things like a recovery programme (AA or something else) or counselling? even just seeing your Dr may be a start?
D