avocado

so i had about 5 and a half months into sobriety and I showed up to san francisco and had a few drinks with a friend, then didn't drink again for a week. I went to a resort for a couple days and on the way back through wine country i had a beer with dinner since y'know, i had a few in san fran with no issues. then, I stopped in a small napa valley town and wound up being there for two days getting sloppy, followed by another 5 days in marin county area getting REALLY sloppy. I mean, passing out on benches sloppy. So stupid, and when the whirlwind finally passed I basically felt like a complete waste of life for a couple days, but now today I'm feeling good again and thinking maybe I needed this to show myself that, no, even though I might be able to drink one or two beers it will very likely lead to a massive relapse. And I'm lucky this time that just some embarrassing behavior in places where no one knows me occurred, and spending ,ore money than frankly I can afford to spend, especially on self-hatred and self-destruction, and I'm now back on a track that I was getting way too comfortable with the idea of leaving, and all I really have to show for it is some bad feelings for a few days and a rather painful financial 'injury' due to the overspending, but like all financial semi-crises I shall recover.

Anyway, posting for the first time in a while cuz I've been traveling and I thought maybe someone's in my boat and my words could help them get through the bad feelings, or perhaps they're thinking about jumping in that boat I got myself in to for a stupid week - DON'T DO IT!!!!!