I am a double winner: in recovery for both alcoholism and codependency.
I grew up with and alcoholic father and a mother who was addicted to pills. I was the eldest and learned early on that it was my duty to be the responsible child. I was a latchkey kid and my duties included picking up my little sister at school, going home, making sure the house was clean and dinner getting ready. I idolized my dad and did not get along with my mom. Unlike my mother, my father was not physically abusive but he had a cutting tongue. I learned from an early age to be over responsible and to be a people pleaser.
I started drinking in my 30s and in 2001, after getting very physically sick I went rehab in March and found recovery. I met a man in rehab and despite what I was told, got into a rehab romance. We moved in together. At first, all was peachy then 9/11 happened. He was at our place in NJ while I was stuck in the City. When I finally came home, he had relapsed so here we are the Friday of that terrible week, me just a few months sober, half carrying half dragging a drunken guy to detox downtown by ground zero. The revolving door of him getting sober and relapsing and going in and out of detox/treatment had started and I was a willing participant to that madness. He was a textbook alkie, violent, selfish and inconsiderate and I was an out of control control freak.
I felt weird sharing my home life struggles at my AA meeting. I was obsessing about someone else's drinking, I call it “getting drunk by proxy”. Here I was sharing in front of these guys what their wives had been through. Finally, one of the old timer's wive (who was not an alcoholic) called me and told me to go with her to Al Anon. I told her I did not belong there because I was an alcoholic but she told me:”oh yes, you do”.
In Al Anon, I learned to set boundaries and detach with love. I still felt weird sometimes when I wanted to share that his drinking in front of me was making me crave alcohol. Fortunately, I found a Saturday double winner meeting and finally found a safe place to share. As I was learning to detach and set boundaries, he became increasingly violent tried to strangle me a few times, hacked my furniture with a machete and finally punched me. This is when I called the cops and got rid of him permanently.
Fast forward, my sponsor passed away, I moved to the West Coast in 2006 with no support system, lost everything, became homeless and relapsed. My alcoholism did not kick back where it was at (my last hard liquor drink >rum< was on 3/19/2001) and I could go days not drinking and I was able to straighten out my life, get a home, a new career and friends who had no idea I was an alcoholic.
I became involved with an active alcoholic and broke up with him because of his drinking. Even though I had relapsed, I was still practicing the Al Anon program to the best of my abilities under the circumstances. To these days we remain best friends and he still is active. I also started working with homeless people and became a community organizer (speak of a codie job LOL).
I started a relationship with a friend and coworker which ended up disastrously a year and a half ago at Christmas time. My depression got really bad and during the last holiday season, I went on a 3 weeks alcohol binge. I could not stop drinking and got very scared. I knew that sooner or later, the cat would be let out of the bag, people would find out about my alcoholism and I would lose everything (I was a closet drinker this time around). Drinking alone and isolating I realized I had two choices: Getting sober again or committing suicide.
So here I am, back in recovery with 5 months sober. I have no desire to drink but am still struggling with codependency. I work a codie job and my best friend (mentioned above) is an active alcoholic. I try more or less successfully not to enable him. It's tough some days, him and I have been through hell and back together and he has had my back many times.
There are no double winners meetings in my area but I have a supportive home group where I can share my burning codie issues. As I was writing this (I am at my friend's where I keep a small office), he is sober (he is a binge drinker) but pissed off (not at me) and I can feel his anger.
Alcoholics tend to be oversensitive and get wounded/offended easily and codependents are way too empathetic for their own good. Recovery for me is finding a healthy balance where I feel content.
I started my recovery journey in 2001 feeling like a double loser but today, I know I am a double winner and as long as I take care of myself, things will eventually fall into place.
I can remain sober and find contentment whether those I love are still drinking or not.