Hey MM..I reminded of the old adage..if first you don't succeed..try, try again. Addiction is an SOB and the personal profile extends much further than just alcohol. In my mind, it has a whole lot to do with self-loathing and a low frustration tolerance due to the absence of coping mechanisms. And how do we learn coping mechanisms or how to navigate life if we stay drunk? We don't. I come from addiction origins. My father gave up smoking and drinking around the time I was born due to health reasons BUT he didn't not give up the roots of why. He never gave up compulsive gambling. As I struggled through life..smoking and drinking his message was basically..I did...you need willpower. The message I got was that I was weak and worthless because I couldn't just give up those vices like he did. He was a dry drunk still battling his addictive nature. It destroyed his marriage and although an accountant..he is penniless, living on pensions in a crap apartment. He won't buy meat.because it's expensive. He is 6ft 2 and about 140 pounds. Did he heal..nope. My mom was a garden variety co-dependent. There is so much here to get at other than...alcohol. I believe its in roots of shame that started growing a long, long time ago.
Please know that you are a worthy human being important to likely much more people you know. You have NO IDEA what you're contribution may do for another in this life. You are important...and you have to start believing that down deep in your soul. I wish you love and hope that you will get through this day..sober. And tomorrow deal with that when it comes.