Thank you thank you thank you thank you for this.
You've made me fully understand the scope of my AV.
I have a vacation coming up. I'm going to Fenway. Planning not to drink, but every day consciously telling myself that because every day I think about what peanuts, one of the good 10 dollar beers they sell there, and watching the Sox are like all together. There will be wine around on this vacation. Good wine. Chianti- good chianti. (TomSteve, it's wine, but that made me LOL!!!!) No, won't do it. I've kind of warned people too. Like, I'm DRIVING to Fenway on purpose- told my friend I'm driving so she can have a beer. (she's one of those enraging humans who drinks "a beer".) She's very concerned about Drinking and Driving and she is ALWAYS the DD by default around me because I ALWAYS get hammered. She probably doesn't even believe me, I'm surprised she's agreed to go in the car with me. Covered? Yeah. But then.... there's this other, more secret, thought. I COULD do this whole vaca sober, and sneak off for some alone time, just me, the river, the sunshine, and a six pack.
Here I am, telling you, it's popped up a couple times. I shoot it down, but it has popped up.
Thanks for creating the space with telling your story.... where I can see this in me for what it is.