Just chalk it up to more "field research" that should demonstrate to you that you can't drink like someone who isn't alcoholic. Forget the "why" - knowing you are an alcoholic means that you are powerless against it - there will always be some "thing" that triggers the desire to drink - until that obsession is removed by a Power greater than you. Here's our deal, if you are one of us: The first drink gets us drunk, because we never stop at 1. Don't beat yourself up - you can stay sober today, but only by accepting defeat - by accepting that you are an alcoholic. Once you get desperate enough to try anything and go to any length to not drink, you can take action and go to an AA meeting. That's where the rubber meets the road, but you may need to do more "research" before giving up. I know I didn't stay in the first few times - always ended up drunk until I gave in an attended that meeting I didn't want to attend. The good people there showed me acceptance and my sponsor showed me how truly addicted and powerless I was. You are just doing what comes naturally to an alcoholic - but there is an answer when you decide you are ready - God bless.