Hello Ladies,
All the other guys seem to have jumped ship for the time being, so I get all of you lovelies to myself I guess. Well myself and Dee
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I am still plugging along. I am starting to realize even more how many bad habits I have that were not a direct result of my drinking but were definitely aggravated and exaggerated by it. Procrastination, is the biggest one, in many many ways. Not sleeping, using computer games to escape from life and delay facing any actions until the last possible moment. All that adds up to most of my spare time wasted in foolish pointless endeavors. But I am trying to force myself not to focus on what I didn't do, and instead on what I did. I find that in doing that I am encouraging myself into more action rather than discouraging inaction. I know that logically one could argue that there isn't much of a difference in the two, but that isn't important. What is important is, positive versus negative. Discouraging inaction for me means that I beat myself up and say "look at all the things you were going to do but didn't." Encouraging action is so far kind of a retort to those thoughts of "yeah but I did do this and this, that is at least something." Also I keep in mind that were I drinking I wouldn't even have done the minimum, I would have seemed from an outside perspective to willfully be fighting my way backwards. So a few steps forward, are very good things, especially compared to backwards or not at all. As my sponsor says on occasion, "the difference between no action and any amount at all is so huge it is immeasurable, there is no comparison. Even seemingly minuscule if done when there was none taking place beforehand.
And I am standing on a soapbox as I like to do here sometimes. Oh, another quote that jumped out at me from a wise man in the rooms "planning to fail and not doing so does not equate to success." He was saying that is what he did a lot during his drinking, planning on failing at whatever and somehow squeaking by, then calling that success. One is not the other.
Anyhow, I am doing alright. I have started school, which means my days are a heck of a lot fuller, this first three months are supposed to be the hardest, lots of math, and it is thrown at you really really fast. Three days we have gone from the basics of negative numbers, fractions, scientific notation, and the basic verbiage of algebra, to factoring and balancing equations to solve for a one of the variables. It is a lot to cram in in just a couple of days. I took all of this in high school of course but that was more than a decade ago lol. Some of it is coming back to me.
That is going to be my life for the next couple of months, here in a week I think we will get into the basics of Direct Current electricity, then after that Alternating. its going to be a pain in the cerebrum lol. I will work in meetings when I can but I have already informed my home group that they might be seeing a little less of me for a while.
Also my one sometimes hangout buddy from the meeting is moving which is going to suck. While I don't think I need someone to talk to and distract me as badly as I used to when I was first going to the rooms, it has been a long time since I had myself someone I would call a friend, and I am going to miss having someone to say "whats up, you want to get some coffee?" to.
Oh yeah and its hot as hades here already. We have already had 110 degree days, last week. I hate the heat, and would rather deal with the cold. If its cold you can always put more clothes on, or do something that will warm you up. If its hot there is only so much you can take off before you get arrested lol.
Well that is me for this week. How are all of you doing?
@ Cale, you probably know this, but I find what helps me in a funk (as I have my own fair share of those moments) is to do something, anything, anything at all. I know that in the moment I wont want to do anything, and I will just want to sit and stew in my thoughts and pity. But if I can get myself to do something, then I don't really feel better per say, but I kinda forget about feeling so $hity, if that makes any sense. Especially if I can manage to do something actually productive for my life or sobriety, then before I know it I am kinda out of the funk. I will have a moment sometimes when it suddenly occurs to me that I am not feeling like complete crap anymore. I can't always pull it off but when I do I feel a heck of a lot better. I also figure it is like practicing an instrument or martial art, what they call muscle memory, or at least something like it, maybe when I am in that funk I can do something that makes me feel better, or at least forget to feel bad, often enough that eventually I don't even have to think about it. I just start to feel a smidgen bad and I immediately do it and feel better, skipping more of the bad feeling entirely.
My main thing to combat is a feeling of pointlessness, if life over all. I will literaly sit in my car after getting home from work uncomfortable because it is hot and I want to get out of my work uniform, but I will just sit there because "what is the point of anything". I try to avoid staying there to long if I can, and haven't been there in a while, (for me a while is a couple of weeks). I don't know if that helps at all, but I know how it is to be in a funk and how there doesn't seem any way out of it at the time. Weird how it is like drinking that way, you can't see a way out until you have already started heading towards it.
Wow that was a ramble, sorry if that was annoying, I am just awake and bored at midnight, and there wasn't anyone in the chatroom lol.