cognek

Well I'm home... at least physically.

It's quite silent here... and it drives me insane. I can't remember everything I did last night but I know I got really drunk.
I first started to drink "too much" because, just like everyone else, I had my own personal problems and issues. But then, i found out just how cool it was to just smoke listen to rock, drink and get rowdy "... live fast and die young."

I still love that quote ... but I know drinking ain't got nothing to do with the live fast idea... actually I think I was fast back then when I wasn't ...(and i think it's time to admit it)... an alcoholic.

For like 2 years?(I'll be 22 y.o soon)... yes, i think it's been more than 2 years since I got used to drinking alot. It scares me that I started to forget stuff... And to actually be unable to go back in time and figure out ... like where did I leave stuff like keys, phone etc.

I'm not even half as fit as i used to be... and I can't think straight... I like to work and I always did but drinking makes work feel like a living hell.

Anyhow I've been aware of the drinking, smoking... and drug related issues but didn't really care. Well it's been a long while since i last had any drug issue so at least I know I'm good at this chapter.

But smoking and drinking... I started smoking since I was 13 or so... and I can't count the times I got wasted.
Enough is enough and last night got me really scared and ashamed of myself...

Tho I forgot almost everything, I know the whole story (i think) cause of my bud that brought me back home...

It was supposed to be a great saturday, we planned to have some fun with american folks (marines)... laugh, talk about stuff, drink and do all kinds of little crazy things... and we did so... For several hours I had a lot of fun... the more I poured, the more fun I had until I got wasted and got very rowdy and started to shout and get angry over nothing i think... I really wanted to get drunk... but I didn't expect such an outcome.
When everyone figured that I was really hammered and that it was no good to stay out anymore, my bud next to me decided to pick me up and bring me home... On my way home I had to smash my fist against a concrete wall... had to throw up 2 times and even **** my pants when I tried to take a leak... and scare everyone up... I was so drunk, rowdy and violent that I could fight the devil himself... But I got home dirty, stinking of booze and bleeding like hell... just like a darn hobo...
I hate myself cause, even if we all get drunk (me and my buds)... I feel like I let everyone down and I know I looked like a fool. And we had such a great time and I made so many new friends in one day but I just blew it like I know how to do best... Shame on me!
And to think that yesterday we talked about a future job at the US base...

So yes, drinking brought me nothing but problems... it didn't help me in a single way and I know that today I may be 100% positive about going sober and no more drinking but this wouldn't last for more than 3 days...
I always find excuses and I know that my problem ain't nobody's business... I'm the only one that's gonna fight this crap and I know I had enough. So no more drinking and smoking!

I decided to join this forum, to "meet" new people that have or had similar issues and share experience and ideas and ... Try to help and receive help if possible. Thank you!