Sorry Drake, I wish you could revel today. I keep crawling into bed too. In fact I'm in bed right now.
Jennie I see your signature every time and it is working on me. "The shortest answer is just do the thing."
My big problem is doing productive things. I have not gone to the gym or really started to really get rid of things in my apartment, because the mere thought of those things sends me into violent seizures. My modus operandi was to start drinking, pop a ritalin, and get to work. I can't do that anymore for 2 reasons. I am an addict, and those things stopped working and make me ill for 3 days.
What happens if....????!!! That is my major malfunction. I need to take action including getting going on the apartment, selling off my stuff. Facing down my father. And making a plan, and ACTING ON IT, for the future.
I wrote about the situation. I think it helped. I will save it just in case. It is a book, and I am embarrassed to look like a brat of some kind. I am not. All I really need to do is list a few things on Ebay and Craigslist and sell them. It is not that hard. I want this place cleaned out, but I am seemingly incapable of acting. I just crawl into bed.
I know all the phrases. "Just do a little at a time." "The longest journey begins with a single step." Blah blah f-ing blah. This is paralysis on a level that goes beyond that, to some really deep seated psychological issues. I have nothing to lose by living my life. I am scared of losing security, but to have the life I want, I cannot be afraid of risk. 15 years in a place is a very long time to get cemented into just living a secure life, without living at all. The fact is, THERE IS NO SECURITY EVER.
Real techniques? Can I just say over and over, "The outcome does not matter. Just do this part now. What dad thinks does not matter." Again and again and again? I have no clue how to get the OCD out my head. Is that the AV that says, what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if if what if what if what if ??????????