Thank you Weasel. Wow..nearly 20 years. My heart breaks for you. You want it to work and you are trying to do the right things. You are in a difficult place if he is not willing to work with you. I'm 46 and have been wrestling with a difficult relationship for 3 years..not even a drop in a 20 year puddle. I certainly understand your frustration if he will not face the severity of what he did by getting some help...learning, growing, changing from it rather than trying to push under the carpet and carry on with a proverbial shrug of the shoulders (forgive me if I am misinterpreting here).
You are doing the right things for you and that's all we can hope to have control of. Can you forgive someone who did something so awful? Yes...but you won't forget. The greatest thing I have been trying to work on is listening to and caring for myself..not putting myself in the jeopardy I have so long...not minding my life and who I let in it. It's really, really hard. I'm very glad to make your SR aquaintance : )