Is the cookout romanticised? Sure it is. At the end of the night I pass out, blackout and wake up sick. Is it worth that? I dont know.
hi Jess,
is it worth WHAT? you haven't made a peep about what getting pissed is supposed to be adding on the positive side to this cookout ....picky picky, i know, it's just that my alcoholic mind is well trained to spot anything that looks like fudge or slippery in any way...
or, to rephrase: what do you imagine you lose by not drinking at the cookout?
as you know, i have no Beast and no Big Plan.
i do plan to never drink again; it is my intention and clearly i'm putting some effort and action behind that.
and i think i have a good shot at that.
GT might remember that i never responded to his remark that he is confident i could get certainty about that with a BP.
but i can't, of course.
I can't.
because the only thing that's certain about my future is that i'll die. that's absolutely for sure.
other than that, i cannot with certainty predict anything about my future.
though i've done it many times in the past
and no, i'm not saying it because i'm attempting to sway you in your thinking at all.
or because i'm iffy about "never". i'm not.
but i do recognize that the ambivalence you speak of is something that i haven't had this time.
And this was my answer to me I am still "not unable" to imagine myself drinking.
mmm...is that directly equivalent to being unable to imagine yourself NOT drinking?
i can imagine myself drinking....well, i try, at times. and when i do, something in me turns, revolts, so to speak,to repulsion. almost gagging. not because of the taste or anything, but because of "who" i'd have to be again to do it. to go there again.
sorry, maybe this is of less than no use to you....
was thinking of how often people are discouraged from imagining this kind of stuff....but i think it's hugely helpful to root out what you (or your beastly thing)tell yourself about what pulls you to that drink that you're sort of wanting but not really but that you're not ready/willing to let go of.
for what it's worth: i don't think you're losing it.
if anything, really, you're gaining it! (ability to step back and look at "it". postponing a decision. new perspective. increased knowledge of yourself. perseverance.)
keep going.
you will find your way.
yes, i know i've said it before. you will.
Margit