Baloo

I'm not going to take her calls anymore.

We have seen more of each other lately. Including 2 long days together this weekend on Fri and Sun.

At the end of Sunday, I decided to just end it even while I was dropping her off. It had been on my mind before, but that was when I decided.

We had some good quality time, but enough is enough. It's not helping her and it's hurting me.

I wish all she cared about was dope, but her head is so far up her butt, that she makes it like she has it good in the drug world. That is when she isn't complaining about how much she hates it. I wish I could teach her something, but the rude awakenings are going to do it 1,000,000 times better if she doesn't od.

I dropped her off and she said, "call me." I said, "okay." I don't care if I'm a liar now, something is more important.

I didn't spread my feelings on the table about it, because she is high and craving and staring into her pipe and talking/texting about more pipe. She can't plan 5 minutes ahead and when she does, it doesn't work out. My feelings aren't being put out there for her like that. She knows a lot of my feelings and thoughts anyways. And it wouldn't be hard to figure out more of them if she so wants. And I'm betting anybody $1,000,000 that she doesn't care as much about my feelings as I do about hers anyways.

So, it's over. Possibly forever. Maybe she will call me someday with good news. That's it. Long-term rehab or prison would be cool. Or long-term hospitalization maybe. Jail won't work at all. But I'm ready to go without. And I have to look at it like I might never talk to her again.

I had an unknown number call today while I slept my 3rd shifter sleep and didn't answer. So I had the presence of mind during sleep even. (It was the eye doctor.)

I don't have to answer any call. I don't have to stay on the phone if I do. If I somehow answer and tell her I'm coming, I can call her right back and say that I'm not.

Time to do for myself. I've hurt myself for her. And almost did other stuff for her that I would've regretted. I need a different life and working on my recovery. Things can and will be different. On and on.

And with this idea in mind, I'm watching who I hang out with in general. And my boundaries in general. It's fine to be alone. And if somebody is my friend, I don't have to hang out with them much. I need some time alone. I will get some time alone. Nobody needs me for anything. On and on.