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new idea for me and my codependency

Old 06-03-2013, 03:02 PM
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new idea for me and my codependency

I'm not going to take her calls anymore.

We have seen more of each other lately. Including 2 long days together this weekend on Fri and Sun.

At the end of Sunday, I decided to just end it even while I was dropping her off. It had been on my mind before, but that was when I decided.

We had some good quality time, but enough is enough. It's not helping her and it's hurting me.

I wish all she cared about was dope, but her head is so far up her butt, that she makes it like she has it good in the drug world. That is when she isn't complaining about how much she hates it. I wish I could teach her something, but the rude awakenings are going to do it 1,000,000 times better if she doesn't od.

I dropped her off and she said, "call me." I said, "okay." I don't care if I'm a liar now, something is more important.

I didn't spread my feelings on the table about it, because she is high and craving and staring into her pipe and talking/texting about more pipe. She can't plan 5 minutes ahead and when she does, it doesn't work out. My feelings aren't being put out there for her like that. She knows a lot of my feelings and thoughts anyways. And it wouldn't be hard to figure out more of them if she so wants. And I'm betting anybody $1,000,000 that she doesn't care as much about my feelings as I do about hers anyways.

So, it's over. Possibly forever. Maybe she will call me someday with good news. That's it. Long-term rehab or prison would be cool. Or long-term hospitalization maybe. Jail won't work at all. But I'm ready to go without. And I have to look at it like I might never talk to her again.

I had an unknown number call today while I slept my 3rd shifter sleep and didn't answer. So I had the presence of mind during sleep even. (It was the eye doctor.)

I don't have to answer any call. I don't have to stay on the phone if I do. If I somehow answer and tell her I'm coming, I can call her right back and say that I'm not.

Time to do for myself. I've hurt myself for her. And almost did other stuff for her that I would've regretted. I need a different life and working on my recovery. Things can and will be different. On and on.

And with this idea in mind, I'm watching who I hang out with in general. And my boundaries in general. It's fine to be alone. And if somebody is my friend, I don't have to hang out with them much. I need some time alone. I will get some time alone. Nobody needs me for anything. On and on.
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Old 06-03-2013, 03:41 PM
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Sending hugs your way.

You sound strong, and you are taking care of yourself.

I admire that. Katie xo
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Old 06-03-2013, 04:07 PM
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Thank you Katie! I do need the encouragement.

I'm working on it. I'm strong enough for today. It all happened because I wasn't strong, but it's waking me up.
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Old 06-03-2013, 04:31 PM
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Baloo, I'm so glad you are here.

I think your shoes and my shoes walked in some of the same steps with our A's.

Please keep posting, it gets better, it has for me.

Katie
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Old 06-04-2013, 11:09 AM
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what an awesome post! so glad to have been able to read it.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:17 AM
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Well, it's Thursday morning.

She did call me the last 2 days and I didn't call back.

I'm really sad. I miss her so much.

I spend my day wishing that we were talking to each other and in each other's company.

I felt a high off my decision and still see the wisdom in it, but it doesn't feel good at all now. She doesn't even have an adult mind half the time and I know how she spends her days and it makes me feel awful. I feel responsible for her. And she is around the shittiest people in the world. Too bad she buys into their script.

If her and I talked, I couldn't get it all off my chest. Things wouldn't come out right. I'm thinking of maybe telling her that I'm working on my recovery and keeping it general. But I would have to really trust her to hold the conversation. I wouldn't even know how to explain that I don't want her in my life right now. Nothing I could say would be waterproof. Maybe time apart is the answer. I expect her to be back in jail soon, so maybe I should wait for that.

This is too hard on me right now.

My best friend texted me the morning of the decision asking how he could pray for me. I gave him a list including her. Later I felt resolved and at peace mostly. I didn't really know I would make that decision.

There has got to be an answer for what I'm going thru. I don't know if I can tell her anything good, but if I do it with generalities, then I could see it.

She is too occupied with things to want to risk the conversation when I have a completely uncarved block going for me. Maybe that combined with time would do it.

And last but not least, I'm in love with her and she isn't with me. Maybe we just shouldn't be friends. Sometimes a boy and girl can't be friends. But she has told me I mean a lot to her at different times.

I'm just typing now. Not going to try polishing this post. I have to get to bed. I don't know what to say or do. Well, one thing I can say about coming back to the forum is that I see it clearly that I'm a codependent as well as an alcoholic as well as somebody who can commit to changing other things.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:59 AM
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Baloo - I feel for you. It will get better for you but you are going to have to make some tough choices and then stick with them and live with the pain until it eases up. And it will. I love my ex too. I am gong to have to see her at court today if she even shows up. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in about a month since I had her arrested for stealing and pawning my jewelry. She is held hostage by drugs and is around disgusting people. Her choice. She isn't a child but a 40 year old woman who will probably end up dead from this stuff. I have offered her all kinds of help but she wants no help. Doesn't even think she has a problem and is completely delusional about her life. We are talking no job, no car, no drivers license, fired from jobs for stealing, loss of relationship from stealing, no place to live except scrounging off other addicts and facing legal charges. She is on a whole other planet and nothing can be done until she cries uncle and gets herself help. Odds are that won't happen. Now it is about saving myself, working on myself and going through the goodbye pain so I can move on to the healthy relationship I deserve with a non addicted person. It has made me crazy at times but I am getting much stronger, wiser and healthier. It gets better, way better. No addict was ever scared, threatend or loved into seeking treatment. They just have to decide they are done. That is what one of my friends in recovery told me. I believe her.
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Old 06-06-2013, 02:57 PM
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Thank you Eveewonder.

I feel better after sleep. Probably going to have days like this though...
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Old 06-06-2013, 03:57 PM
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Stay strong,Baloo!
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Old 06-06-2013, 04:10 PM
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Glad you posted, try to just be, the feelings are so intense right now, when I didn't know what to do, I did nothing.

Keep posting Baloo. Katie xo
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:46 PM
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Might have an answered prayer right now. She is locked up!

She got arrested Wednesday sometime after she called me. She hasn't called me from jail tho. I kinda like the feeling of not taking her phone calls, so I wish she gave me the chance to do that again.

Good chance she will call, but I won't take the calls. I'll check on her sentencing, but no reason to have contact unless she gets more than a little. A small sentence won't do anything.

She is not only safe at the moment, but possibly about to stop living a lie.
She is about to feel hot winds and sand when family discovers the charge - prostitution. She will feel devastated, but that is what people need it seems. I've gone through it in my life enough to know that being exposed helps.

But, what am I doing other than obsessing over her? Well, not drinking on a Friday. And jacksquat. I would jump in the chat, but last time I tried downloading the software, it didn't work. Can't wait to do nothing this weekend, but clean my room, do laundry and try to think of myself a little more.

Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
when I didn't know what to do, I did nothing.
Thanks Katie, I'm going to take your advice.
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Old 06-08-2013, 07:52 AM
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Baloo...you are sounding strong and handling the feelings. Hang in...
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Old 06-08-2013, 08:08 AM
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Doesn't it feel great to take charge of your own life and realize that you have options. Our society obsesses over cell phones and staying "connected" to everyone that it seems many of us forget that just because a phone rings doesn't mean you need to answer it, that text messages don't need to be answered the moment they are received..if you want to answer at all, that if someone asks you to hang out you can say no OR even if you say yes you can change your mind.

Even though this all seems common sense, it gets so easy to forget we have options, especially when dealing with an addict.

I also struggled with being considered a liar if I changed my mind. Addicts will try to hold you to every little thing you say even if they do the complete opposite themselves. If you say "I'll pick you up tomorrow" and you no longer want to see her, you don't have to. Simple as that. WE control our lives and we need to start putting ourselves FIRST and doing what is best for OURSELVES.

Keep up your new attitude
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Old 06-08-2013, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Maylie View Post

I also struggled with being considered a liar if I changed my mind. Addicts will try to hold you to every little thing you say even if they do the complete opposite themselves. If you say "I'll pick you up tomorrow" and you no longer want to see her, you don't have to. Simple as that. WE control our lives and we need to start putting ourselves FIRST and doing what is best for OURSELVES.

Keep up your new attitude
Truly helpful!
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:49 AM
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What an encouraging thread, thanks everybody!

She called me 7 times from jail last nite. Didn't answer.
Just bragging a little, not trying to be a dick.

Hope the day comes when we talk and it's meaningful, but I've gone over the possibility that there might not be anything to say or she might be ticked at me. *shrug*
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:01 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through all this-- I know how much kicking the codependent habit is so difficult!

I think you're on an amazing path, though, not answering her calls and putting some distance there. Be aware that the next opportunity she manages to get a hold of you, she will attempt to tear you down and project some of her issues onto you again. I had a bunch of that with my AXBF, who saw me getting better, happier, and ultimately more distant, and would take ANY opportunity to try and pull me down into misery again. I think it wasn't intentional, but a force of the addiction. Misery likes company, you know?

You're doing amazing.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:10 PM
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Thank you so much. And.....she actually just called me two more times about an hour ago, but my ringer is off.

So...... there are some ways that the relationship affected me that I never told her. I could give her examples of how seriously bad it got. I don't know if I should say that to her or not. Maybe depending on her disposition.

What do people think about saying that? "I broke down at work a few times over you at my new, improved job during my probationary period." Stuff like that... I mean it would drive home the point of the fact that there is an issue with the relationship. But that's more my issue than hers. I already know that if she is acting ticked, I won't share it, but...
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Baloo View Post

What do people think about saying that? "I broke down at work a few times over you at my new, improved job during my probationary period." Stuff like that... I mean it would drive home the point of the fact that there is an issue with the relationship. But that's more my issue than hers. I already know that if she is acting ticked, I won't share it, but...
I understand why you would want to do this... But in all honesty, it will be highly unlikely that she will respond to it at all. A superficial understanding, if you will. She might listen, but won't be able to digest someone else's struggles.

Anytime I brought something up like that to my AXBF, somehow, HIS pain was more important, HIS bad day was more important, and I could never understand where HE was coming from.

It feels good to say what you've been thinking and feeling- to let that stress leave your body and detoxify from your burden, but she isn't the person who will take those words and help you heal.

I'm sorry to say that telling her will make you feel good-- the lack of empathy and understanding immediately after will cut you deeper.
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by lilyB2013 View Post
I'm sorry to say that telling her will make you feel good-- the lack of empathy and understanding immediately after will cut you deeper.
From too long experience, can validate this...it cuts deeper and deeper every time one tries to be understood...

You are being quite strong...
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Old 06-28-2013, 07:42 PM
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Well she has been in jail for over 3 weeks now. I wrote her a letter explaining why I was ignoring her. I did the best I could with it. I thought she deserved the explanation and the chance to take it like an adult. We parted on good terms before that.
I talked to her on the phone earlier this week as well. After not accepting over 30 calls.

Gonna visit her tomorrow and want prayers from the praying people.

If it goes well, then good.
If it goes bad, then that could be an eye-opener.
That's how I'm looking at it.
She was fine on the phone and she wrote me a nice letter, so that's good.

I've had some thoughts lately that have really bothered me. About what I could do to help her. And that maybe she secretly wants me to. Stuff like telling her parents, collecting her things, telling a dealer and pimp to stay away. These thoughts are driving me insane at times. Then I can be merry and forget. Then they come back. I don't plan on bringing it up to her. But I worry myself with these thoughts. There could be unintended consequences for me and her both and nothing I can do could make her not an addict. These thoughts aren't new either. Something horrible could have happened last December if the right (wrong) people would've showed up to where I was one night. They had sexually abused her, but she glorifies them because they are dopeboys. She woulda never told on them either and only told me as if they had played a funny prank on her. I kept a still face when she told me and changed the topic. I don't know what to do sometimes. I could be a real pain in her butt and possibly make her unwelcome around parts of the city, but she would still be an addict and on and on and on.... If I do anything, it should be now when she is in jail.

Well I'm off to work soon. I wanted to be rested for the visit tomorrow, but somebody just quit and I got stuck. Have a happy Friday night everybody. Thanks for listening.
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