hi Jess,
this is the second time you've referred to a "hissy fit", and only you would know why you'd use these dismissive-sounding words to describe where you were at a couple of days ago. was it really not serious?
personally, i take 'these things' seriously,as a kind of message from me to me that, oh: i need different skills; that something feels overwhelmingly out of control (do i need to be able to control it? what if i can't? how can i live okay/be okay without control of every little thing? how can i be okay without running away??/) in other words: i assume i don't want to drink (and i really don't) as an indicator of stuff that's going on that i need to look at and change or be okay without changing and having things to figure out.
not saying it's pleasant or easy, just that it's a pointer.
and this has been hugely helpful to me.
and yes, it does come partly from my "never again" intention.
from being unable to imagine a scenario/circumstance where i'd drink.
because there's nothing there for me, in drinking.
nothing real.
but the way you describe the cookouts, there's something there for you in drinking then. what is it? when you spend time thinking about what drinking will add....what is it that you think you can't be/add without the drink?
the pictures in my head about the future are important to me, even if the future has a good chance of being different from my pictures. the way i imagine...i can change that.
strangely enough, i just a few minutes ago re-read an old thread somewhere else and came across an old post of mine talking about just that, so i'll share what worked for me:
re: planning for sobriety
i think a fair amount of what you call planning for me involves changing the pictures in my head; the biggest one that's left over is the one i've had since my teens: when i'm old(and when would THAT be????) i'll have one of those beautiful old houses, somewhere outside of the city, and i'll be sitting in the rocking chair on the persian rug over the hardwood floor , visiting with a few good friends, there will be good food and wine, or maybe it will be beer this time...and i've had that very image for decades. it's what i thought i wanted for later in my life.
well, i won't be able to afford the house, persian rugs are made by child labour so i can't have one, friends are iffy, alcohol kicked out.....okay, no, i'm not feeling sorry for myself at all, but planning fo sobriety demands that i find a new picture. and THAT is still work for me.
that you may not WANT to...yeah, i get that. i lived there for a long time; couldn't imagine a, b, c and d without drinking.
putting conscious effort into imagining doing everything soberly... work that's paid off for me.
because the reality of my romanticised pictures of drinking was of course nothing like the rosy-pictured moderate couple of drinks and soft warm glow.
what was the reality at the end of the day of the cookouts?
and sorry to hear you're struggling in that ambivalent-sounding spot....better that than glossing over it, though. keep looking at what's left in that drink, what it's "for", and at the very least then you'll have choices over doing something else instead.
hope this doesn't come across as preachy; don't mean it that way.