a loving hug. Or a promise that things will get better. Better yet, a prediction and a guarantee!!!!!! (Anyone good with Tarot cards?)
Hi everyone,
Please bear with me. This is a REALLLY LONG rant/whine/ramble--I am feeling really really really low and I gotta have a major pity party right now.
I haven't been by lately, and I don't usually talk much here, so please, forgive me and again--bear with me.
It's just that I'm LONELY. And very suddenly, feeling OLD and washed up.
The menopause is absolutely unbearable---hot flashes constantly and SOAKED in sweat all the time. And forget about getting a decent night's sleep. I wake up all night long, replacing the towels I'm sleeping on cuz they're soaked, going to drink more water or go downstairs for juice to try and replace what I'm losing, change my tee shirt, splash cold water---just desperate to find some relief. And that's with the air conditioner blasting on me!
The discomfort is sucky, naturally, but also---it can't be good, losing this much fluid all the time!!! I feel swollen in my hands and my feet are clearly swollen. My mouth and eyes are dry. And my joints ache all over--I'm really really stiff when I get up in the morning.
I had major bowel surgery in my youth, so getting dehydrated is dangerous for me. The thought of going to the hospital---and the joyous response to the question, "who can we call for you?"
Answer, "No one"
"Don't you have ANYONE we can call?"
"No"
"Well there must be someone?"
"NO!! THERE ISN'T! If there WAS, do you think I'd be subjecting myself to this????"
And then there's the discussion about what to do, because they can't treat me if there's no one to take me home and be with me. I say, no I don't have anyone I can impose on that way, so I ask, What do other people do in this situation? Surely I can't be the only one? They must have some suggestions as to what my options are? And they just go back to insisting I MUST have someone I can call!!!!
Yeah, so maybe I should walk up and down the street in front of the ER for a while until I find a stranger who can drive me home.......
Anyway, so, back to reality in this moment, because I don't have to call 911
yet----
I went to my gyn; she said first, try Estroven for three weeks and then we'll see. So, it's doing no good at all. I can't wait for my next appointment, because I can hardly function this way! And the weight gain---I've never been this fat!!!!! I don't know what to wear...I can only wear my "fat clothes", so I look like a fat old ugly clown. A soaking wet, fat old ugly clown. It's like old age has suddenly pounced on me with a vengeance. I'm 55 and I feel like a seventy-five year old wreck.
I imagine myself one of those elderly ladies you see in the store, pushing her cart around and you know she has no one. I always smile and acknowledge them, look in their eyes and don't turn away...you can see they're thankful, they way they smile back. And I watch how everyone else ignores them. And I notice that it's going that way for me now too. I feel THAT decrepit.
Just spent the day in bed today. Maybe it's just backlash, since I'd been doing pretty good lately, I don't know.
Anyway, I've been taking SAMe, which my therapist recommended for depression. WOW, I must say, it's been helpful!!! I've been getting myself out and involved in groups. Going to therapy. Making the Dr. appointment. Taking care of the house, hiring help with things I can't do.
All of it by myself.
But today, I really reverted back to my old habits...isolating in the house, staying in bed with the computer allllllllll dayyyyyyy. Ruminating about my ex.
And I wish things didn't turn out how they did with him.
I loved him so damn much, and he knocked himself out for me too, but I was competing with alcohol, and we all know how well that works out. Thank goodness for your posts and the reminders. I need them because the miserable parts just keep fading in my mind, and I just crave and miss the good moments, the feeling that there was someone in the world who cares for me!
But I was at the last of my cute and pretty days while we were together, and now....good luck finding anyone. Well, unless I'm willing to accept any of the MUCH older men who contact me on the dating site. Men my own age want eye candy, I guess. Well, I want someone attractive to me, too. And I'm a really nice person! Many people have said how delightful I am! Really! I'm not making that up!
Well, I'm on a couple of dating sites, and so--I actually had a date last night! With someone around my age, decent looking, gentlemanly, not love-bombing me, employed and financially comfortable!!! That was a first for me!!! LoL!!! And I was friendly and relaxed, not desperate to please or whatever. Just trying to chit chat, and remember the biggest lesson I learned from my ex, which is, Go Slow and take time to get to know someone. So it was just a regular old first date. Nice and normal, I think.
I don't know though----I had several hot flashes while we were at dinner, and I don't know what I must have looked like.
I don't know if I'm going to get asked on a second date. Middle aged women are not in high demand.
I know many women my age end up resigning themselves to single hood.....I don't want that, though! I don't have any family, kids or relatives. My closest friends live far away...in fact, it seems that when I do develop a close friendship, they move away! I need both hands and one foot to count how many people I became close with who ended up moving far away.
Anyway, the point is, I'm having to rebuild my life from brick #1, and I'm not feeling too hopeful right now.
This sucks