need to vent. I need encouragement, or

Old 06-01-2013, 09:48 PM
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Unhappy need to vent. I need encouragement, or

a loving hug. Or a promise that things will get better. Better yet, a prediction and a guarantee!!!!!! (Anyone good with Tarot cards?)

Hi everyone,

Please bear with me. This is a REALLLY LONG rant/whine/ramble--I am feeling really really really low and I gotta have a major pity party right now.

I haven't been by lately, and I don't usually talk much here, so please, forgive me and again--bear with me.

It's just that I'm LONELY. And very suddenly, feeling OLD and washed up.

The menopause is absolutely unbearable---hot flashes constantly and SOAKED in sweat all the time. And forget about getting a decent night's sleep. I wake up all night long, replacing the towels I'm sleeping on cuz they're soaked, going to drink more water or go downstairs for juice to try and replace what I'm losing, change my tee shirt, splash cold water---just desperate to find some relief. And that's with the air conditioner blasting on me!

The discomfort is sucky, naturally, but also---it can't be good, losing this much fluid all the time!!! I feel swollen in my hands and my feet are clearly swollen. My mouth and eyes are dry. And my joints ache all over--I'm really really stiff when I get up in the morning.

I had major bowel surgery in my youth, so getting dehydrated is dangerous for me. The thought of going to the hospital---and the joyous response to the question, "who can we call for you?"
Answer, "No one"
"Don't you have ANYONE we can call?"
"No"
"Well there must be someone?"
"NO!! THERE ISN'T! If there WAS, do you think I'd be subjecting myself to this????"

And then there's the discussion about what to do, because they can't treat me if there's no one to take me home and be with me. I say, no I don't have anyone I can impose on that way, so I ask, What do other people do in this situation? Surely I can't be the only one? They must have some suggestions as to what my options are? And they just go back to insisting I MUST have someone I can call!!!!

Yeah, so maybe I should walk up and down the street in front of the ER for a while until I find a stranger who can drive me home.......



Anyway, so, back to reality in this moment, because I don't have to call 911 yet----
I went to my gyn; she said first, try Estroven for three weeks and then we'll see. So, it's doing no good at all. I can't wait for my next appointment, because I can hardly function this way! And the weight gain---I've never been this fat!!!!! I don't know what to wear...I can only wear my "fat clothes", so I look like a fat old ugly clown. A soaking wet, fat old ugly clown. It's like old age has suddenly pounced on me with a vengeance. I'm 55 and I feel like a seventy-five year old wreck.

I imagine myself one of those elderly ladies you see in the store, pushing her cart around and you know she has no one. I always smile and acknowledge them, look in their eyes and don't turn away...you can see they're thankful, they way they smile back. And I watch how everyone else ignores them. And I notice that it's going that way for me now too. I feel THAT decrepit.

Just spent the day in bed today. Maybe it's just backlash, since I'd been doing pretty good lately, I don't know.

Anyway, I've been taking SAMe, which my therapist recommended for depression. WOW, I must say, it's been helpful!!! I've been getting myself out and involved in groups. Going to therapy. Making the Dr. appointment. Taking care of the house, hiring help with things I can't do.

All of it by myself.

But today, I really reverted back to my old habits...isolating in the house, staying in bed with the computer allllllllll dayyyyyyy. Ruminating about my ex.
And I wish things didn't turn out how they did with him.
I loved him so damn much, and he knocked himself out for me too, but I was competing with alcohol, and we all know how well that works out. Thank goodness for your posts and the reminders. I need them because the miserable parts just keep fading in my mind, and I just crave and miss the good moments, the feeling that there was someone in the world who cares for me!

But I was at the last of my cute and pretty days while we were together, and now....good luck finding anyone. Well, unless I'm willing to accept any of the MUCH older men who contact me on the dating site. Men my own age want eye candy, I guess. Well, I want someone attractive to me, too. And I'm a really nice person! Many people have said how delightful I am! Really! I'm not making that up!

Well, I'm on a couple of dating sites, and so--I actually had a date last night! With someone around my age, decent looking, gentlemanly, not love-bombing me, employed and financially comfortable!!! That was a first for me!!! LoL!!! And I was friendly and relaxed, not desperate to please or whatever. Just trying to chit chat, and remember the biggest lesson I learned from my ex, which is, Go Slow and take time to get to know someone. So it was just a regular old first date. Nice and normal, I think.

I don't know though----I had several hot flashes while we were at dinner, and I don't know what I must have looked like. I don't know if I'm going to get asked on a second date. Middle aged women are not in high demand.

I know many women my age end up resigning themselves to single hood.....I don't want that, though! I don't have any family, kids or relatives. My closest friends live far away...in fact, it seems that when I do develop a close friendship, they move away! I need both hands and one foot to count how many people I became close with who ended up moving far away.

Anyway, the point is, I'm having to rebuild my life from brick #1, and I'm not feeling too hopeful right now.


This sucks
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:17 PM
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Hugs to you!
Tomorrow is another day, a new start.
Remember to breathe. Lots of breathing.

And what is up with the man age to woman age in the dating scene?
Seriously? It's irritating. Why to older men think they're so dang attractive to younger women? I mean, good on them for saying they're only interested in younger women, honesty is lovely, but seriously, what the heck?
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:51 PM
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Thanks Bodkin!
It's not fair! Makes me really angry too. We human beings need love, but....the deck just feels really stacked against us. I send a wink or a polite message of interest to men I find attractive and commensurate with my interests, education and all.....but I'm the same age. Apparently that's the big turn off, because they can't even be bothered to respond. Or they make some rude joke.

I can't imagine that women are treating them that rudely.
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Old 06-02-2013, 12:20 AM
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(((((Argnotthisagain)))))

I am so sorry you are going through this! First let me say, give the medicine the 3 weeks that your doc said. Some medications don't work immediately, and hormone replacements are in that category. Then if it's not working, tell your gyn that and insist on something else.

There were none of the medications of today available when my mom went through menopause and hers lasted 10 years. Yes I said 10 years, she was crazy, insane, and drove my sister (10 years younger than me) and my dad nuts. She was a raving lunatic. In her later years, she said how much she regretted how she treated dad and sis all those years. (I was already out of the house, married, and didn't have to be around her.

Now fast forward to '88 when I was 43. I was having pre-menopausal symptoms, really bad, plus horrendous times during my periods whenever they decided to show up. Turned out I had ovarian cysts that made my ovaries the size of goose eggs. I had to have a hysterectomy where they took everything out, and I also was alone, had divorced my hubby (the sober alcoholic that turned to gambling) the year before. Well, after the surgery, doc put me on premarin, the only medication at the time, and within one week I was going through exactly what you described above. He told me to stay on it that it would get better, and I said NO. Flushed them. I went without. Went through the 'hot flashes' and the 'cold flashes' for about 6 months but by then I was just grateful that I was not longer curled up on the floor in a fetal position screaming with pain for 10 days at a time.

It did get better. I did have to go on water pills and potassium and am still on them today 25 years later, and have figured out when I need to take them and take them at a time I know I will be home for the next 4 hours or so, rofl.

Now to you. I wrote the above to let you know I have been in your situation. I was also alone. I was living alone, per both my sponsors instruction, my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor, to learn how to like/love me. Whew that one year turned into 5 years with 3 moves involved. Oh and during that time I went back to school to finally finish and get my degree, which I did. And all those 'young things' running around campus and me feeling like an elephant, well you get the idea.

Anyway, during that hiatus from society so to speak, just school and work in the afternoons and evenings (minimum wage, but in the field I wanted to be in, doing home care for the terminally ill and/or the totally incapacitated) I found ME. Maybe the first time I had ever really known me in my life.

I would suggest that you try some Alanon meetings, even though you are no longer with the alcoholic, find a sponsor and work through the steps. In the process, it will take your mind off of your physical right now to some extent, and you will make some new lady friends. Real friends, and you will start to gain a new attitude about you and about life!!!

For me, one of the most important things I learned during that 5 years of abstinence from 'men' was the simple fact that I didn't need to have a 'him' on my arm to feel whole. Boy did that change my attitude. And it seems as I finally accepted that 'new attitude' my interactions with 'men' actually seemed to change and I found myself getting more phone calls than I ever had before.

You are NOT over the hill even though it feels like it right now. There are some decent, caring, considerate, gentlemen out there and once you get through this health crisis you will meet some. They are still out there for me and I am fast approaching 68, roflmao I just don't want a real close relationship at this time in my life. I want the type of relationship I had for 10+ years with my retired University Professor. He kept his house, I kept mine, and we traveled back and forth to each others residences (he lived 80 miles north of me). I really thought we would spend our waning years together. That is until he died of a massive heart attack (in my home) 3 weeks after a complete physical where he was told he was in excellent shape with the heart of a much younger man (he was 3 years older than me) than his 65 years.

Yes, I got over it, but it wasn't easy. And as I said there are still men out there for me, some older than me that look younger than their age, some that are my age and look it, and yes some a few years younger than me (not too many years, lol)

I don't use the on line dating sites. I have heard too many scary stories about that route. Instead, I got involved in some things that really interest me. One is our local library and sit on their board, get involved in their yearly 'book sale' etc. I also got involved with our local animal shelter, and believe I have been instrumental in changing some of the ways they had done things in the past, for the betterment of the animals. Both of those 'past times' have led to other community things and events and you would be amazed at how many 'single' men (divorced or widowed) are involved in the same things! Also I have met some great folks (men and women) at Alanon. I have formed some really good friendships, close friendships, that when I have been hospitalized (4 times since Jan of '11) one or more of them come to my house several times a day to feed my dogs and pay attention to them, etc

I don't ask my daughter (who lives 6 blocks away, lol) as she is very busy with her family of hubby, and 4 kids, although she always offers. That is something else that I gained from my years in Alanon, reconnecting with my children and having a relationship with them I never believed was possible. All four of the grandchildren here, knew my voice when they came home from the hospital (less than a 24 hour stay for momma, lol) as they had heard it the whole time they were in the womb. They knew my voice, their momma and poppa voices and their other grandmothers voice (she lives in a mobile home on their property and is one of my very best friends!

I didn't have that opportunity with the daughter that lives up in the northern mid west, but I was able to fly up both times and stay for the first 3 to 4 weeks to help her. I can tell you that my relationship with them was not very good even though I had been in AA and was sober and clean for several years when I first went to Alanon. Alanon is what helped me to change in to the person I am today.

It is okay to sit on the 'pitty pot' for a while, but then it becomes time to MOVE FORWARD. I believe, based on your post, that you seem to be ready to move forward!

So .................................. stay close with your doctor, tell your gyn that this medication is NOT working, what else can you try. Try some local Alanon meetings and try at lest 6 different ones to see if you get a 'feel' for one or two that you really seem to feel comfortable in. And it might not hurt to get a therapist and work through some of this with said therapist. You might be amazed at how much a therapist can help.

Oh, and most important, keep posting here and reading. You will find you have a lot of friends here that you just haven't met yet. Please remember, we are walking with you in spirit, and when you are feeling down, like now, picture whatever room you are in, absolutely filled to overflowing with the folks here at SR. It does help. You can rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh!

I have sent you a PM.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-02-2013, 12:38 AM
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Laurie! One million thank yous to you!!! ((((((((YOU))))))) Thank you sooooo much for sharing your story. That was sooooo heartening. I know I'm going to read it again and again!

It's 3:34am, and I need to try and get some sleep. I signed up for a banjo workshop and I don't want to miss it, like I missed the Drawing Meet-Up today because I was so verklempt.

One funny thing before I sign off---
You said, "One is our local library and sit on their board". Well, at first glance, I thought you said you sit on their GOURD, and I wondered what the heck the library's doing with gourds lying around, and why are you sitting on them? heeee heeeeee
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Old 06-02-2013, 12:52 AM
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See you can still laugh!!

That is very promising.

Yes I am up, and I am 2 hours behind you, so no problem if you call call, rofl

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-02-2013, 04:27 AM
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Argnotthisagain, Lots of hugs to you. I'm older too and when I get the courage to leave, I'll probably be alone. One of the things that's always running through my head is what if I get sick and have no one there for me. Just want to say I'm sending you lots of loving support. I hope you feel better. I do believe if we stay strong (which is so hard for me to do) there's a better life out there and it will all come to pass. When I get scared about leaving, I think about how I'm really alone now with someone and that it's a living nightmare. I don't know if that helps you to think that way? Let us know how you are doing and sending you lots of positive energy and support.
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Old 06-02-2013, 04:54 AM
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Is it alright if I say, you poor kid!

Hand it over honey, and keep seeing the doc til you get some relief.

On my worst days a I always think, there is something wonderful around the corner, and there always is.

Yesterday at work a woman came in and she was talking to her mom on the phone, for a long time, telling her about all the different soups we had in the store. I mean a long time, and she kept saying yes mom, okay mom. When she came to pay for the soup , I said, wow, you are an awesome daughter, she said my mom has cancer, I said, awwwww honey, I'm so sorry, my dad has cancer too. Turns out we had a lot in common, and on top of that, we had a lot of the same feelings. So here I am, and here she is, and I say to her, give you mom a hug from me, and we both wept. It was wonderful, that we found each other, becasue I needed that and so did she.

What you need will most likely appear, you are not destined to a life of being alone, you are far too precious for that.

take good care , Katie xo
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Old 06-02-2013, 07:30 AM
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I tried Estroven too, it did nothing. It's basically an over the counter mix of herbal stuff. Doesn't help everyone. I was miserable. Hot flashes all day every day. My "bracelet" was a hairband I kept on my right wrist, used it 30X a day. Wanted to peel my clothes off in public! Sweating in bed, sheets are wet. Horrible insomnia, horrible fatigue. I felt 100 yrs old...although that's not fair to 100 yr old women.

I went back to my Gyn and said I want real hormones NOW! She started me on a topical estrogen that you spray on your arm once daily, and a progesterone pill. After about 2 weeks, I felt like a new woman! That was 3 yrs ago, and I"m still good. There are lots of safer hormones out there these days, no reason for any of us to suffer.
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Old 06-02-2013, 07:52 AM
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Recovering2 is absolutely correct in all that she has said. Talk to your gyn!! estroven is a very mild mix of herbs---and takes about three months to make any difference for most people--if it makes any difference at all!

dandylion


after "real" estrogen supplement--I felt like a new woman--in days!!!
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Old 06-02-2013, 08:30 AM
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I am 44 and last year started being premenopausal. It was terrible. I was so moody so irritated. Felt like I was outside of my body and some monster was taking over. Periods came once every 3 or 4 months. Of course this all started while AH was sucked in his addiction so I didn't know if I was reacting to him or if it was physical. When I complained of hot flashes. ( I use doctor as last resort. I'm very hard headed like that) a friend told me GNC had an over the counter progesterone cream which I quickly ordered online.
It worked! After applying it for 5 days I had my missing period. Moods subsided. So THEN I went to the doctor. Blood work confirmed that my progesterone levels were so low but estrogen was fine. She gave me a script for progesterone which I take for 10 days, period starts and no more moods, hot flashes. So much better.
Hugs to you!
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Old 06-02-2013, 11:11 AM
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I just wanted to offer support empathy as one who still gets her mail delivered to perimenopausal hell! started at 40....i'm 52 now. cycles are finally starting to get farther apart, like 2-3 months. hot flashes, yes sensitive to cold, night sweats, lousy sleep patterns, low energy, ever thickening waist line, or what was once called a waistline.

just last night I bailed for the couch...way too hot...awake, hank snoring....bulldog snoring with her snout right against my leg. towel down, nothing but a sheet for covers and even that got too hot.

estroven does help...when I take it! over the years I've just been beaten into submission...don't fight it much anymore....I've tried a variety of aids and cures. losing weight seems out of the question right now...I just work on not gaining more! I don't mind exercise or working out...but my knees sure do, along with shoulders and wrists. and what happens when you work out?? you SWEAT. oh goodie. I broke out in a sweat doing some vigorous vacuuming yesterday!? and then again doing yard work...like, I need to sit down before I pass out kind of overheating.

it sux. sure does.

levis have some nice jeans now that are more for the shapelier shape with a bit of stretchy stuff. I love tops from oneworld (I think that's the brand) that are slightly longer to cover the rumpus and flattering in how they flow. and short sleeved!!! outside of work or going to some event, I really could give a rip LESS how haute couture I look. I mean I care...but not to the point of trying to impress anyone!

press your doctor for relief! it sounds like things are pretty severe right now and nobody needs to live like that!
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Old 06-02-2013, 10:43 PM
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Hey Everyone!

Thank you soo much for all the Experience, Strength and Hope!

Knowing that some of you have gone through it and survived, and that others are struggling along with me gives me encouragement to get up and push again.

I got up and ready in time this morning so I could go to the banjo workshop!! YAY!! Best thing I could do for myself--it was fun, I learned some helpful things (I'm a beginner, but there were people who are experienced musicians too.) I also found out, there's a monthly Old-Time music jam at the music shop. YAY!!!!!! How fun!

Went for a long walk with my furry baby when I got home, and brought my phone so I could call my best friend.
This is "taking care of yourself", and it's beginning to dawn on me that *this* is what learning who you are is about.

Laurie, when you shared your story and told how your Alone Phase was your opportunity to learn about that for yourself, it turned the light on for me, somehow.

I've heard it before but wasn't in the right place to get it, (too scary a thought--usually had to run away), or the wording didn't hit me, or whatever....
But I feel like I'm beginning to "get it" cuz I'm *DOING it* now. AND, I've had PLENTY of days, weeks, and nights of going through all the pain, and pushing myself to do what I need to do, destructive habits I need to improve, and find ways to feel better. Healthier ways, without getting sucked into someone else's interests.

Anyway, it's way past my bedtime now, but I wanted to jump online before going to be, so I could let you guys know how much you helped me.

I'm glad I reached out.

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Old 06-03-2013, 09:31 AM
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thank YOU Arg, cuz this morning i remembered to take an Estroven! very nice weekend, outside a lot, gardening, yard work, hanging out...and i do believe all that lovely fresh air, vitamin, and earth made a difference!!!
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Old 06-03-2013, 05:22 PM
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I got my gyn appointment moved up because this hotflash/sweating ******** has moved from "major suckage" to "driving me up a ******* wall" to "really scaring me"

Just can't replace this much water loss....drinking nutritional waters but makin me pee a lot too. Just bending over to pick up something starts a cascade.

DAMMIT, I finally found something that helps my lifelong depression issues better than any prescription meds, so I actually have energy and want to do things and ***able to STOP the obsessive, sad, doom thoughts*** <----this is a biiiig deal for me!!!!!!!!!!!
---but now I'm soaking wet continuously, starting to get tremors from lack of sleep and water loss!! DAMMIT!

Thank god we're on summer schedule at work so there are no demands on me and I don't have to be in front of a class.

Was looking forward to going to an event this evening but I'm too ill. Pisses me off cuz I've been a wreck for the last four or so years....was thrilled to find my depression so turned around (SAMe, for anyone who's having depression issues. FYI )

Ok must not give up hope...

. ...Thurs. morning can. NOT. Get. Here. Soon. Enough!


edited to add:
Oh! How funny! I see the word, "*******" got automatically censored. I don't remember that happening before.... LoL!!!!!
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Old 06-03-2013, 05:57 PM
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i find i'm much less Uncomfortable out on the couch rather than in the bed. our mattress has a pillow top, supposed memory foam and I think it just incubates me! I bailed on the bed at about 10pm, to the couch, with a towel down, opened one of the windows and had a sheet for a cover. which I didn't have ON as a cover much! I keep the ID channel on...it's not like it's SOOTHING, but it's consistent so I just keep the sound down just barely loud enough to hear...in that way I have to concentrate on the sound and it helps slow my mind down.

I've just recently gotten into audiobooks and I like just stretching out, ear buds in, eyes closed and listening...it's as close to meditation as I can get...that whole "quieting" the mind thing? yeah, whatever. my head is like a high school cafeteria at lunch time!!! anywho, I may not sleep well from about, oh, midnight on, but I have the freedom to kind of flail from end to end on the couch, check the time (i'm the alarm clock for the house, if hank needs up at 4:30, I get up at 4:15 to get the coffee going - there is little I hate worse than the alarm clock, even tho ours are set to chime, so i'm always on alert BEFORE the damn thing goes off!), get some water if I need to and not worry about waking the rest of the household.

kinda funny, but poor hank now has the intermittent sleep of a menopausal woman! he often wakes up at 1 or 2 and fights to get back to sleep, feels too hot. I guess night sweats are contagious??? hey dude, sorry, when we met you said you LIKED older women! LOL
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Old 06-03-2013, 06:11 PM
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want to add helpful hint...volunteer somewhere, the kind of place that gives you a free t-shirt for your efforts. get them in a larger size - they make EXCELLENT lsleepware for the warm woman! to Hank, King county United Way Day of Caring t-shirts are considered "lingerie" !!!

i'm actually wearing the one from a few years back, when Hank and my daughter Renee volunteered with me at the Millionaire Club in Seattle - a day homeless shelter that offers job leads, a hot meal, showers, education for the less fortunate. so HE actually has a matching top!

actually right now He is wearing a free t-shirt I got from Cub Cadet when I took one of their electric powered lawn mowers for a test drive!! god bless the cotton tee.
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Old 06-03-2013, 09:19 PM
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"my head is like a high school cafeteria at lunch time"!!! Haaaaa! that's funny!!

Well I just put out the strong determination that I am not giving in ("Do not go softly into that good night. Fight. Fight! Against the waning of the Light!!") This is a kind of new frame of mind for me...I mean, I keep fighting but still have always tended to beg, plead and rend my garments at the Universe.

The SAMe has been the help I needed as far as depression and all the stuff that goes with it. It's actually hard to get used to, when your thought habits have been catastrophic thinking and "pooooooor meeeeee I ammmmm in paiiiiiiiinnnnn and I have nooooooo ooooooooonnnneeee" for your whole life. I mean, that was all I had in the way of nurturing, so it's an old old thought pattern and a well practiced response to stress, fear, pain.

Anyway---I know I'm rambling a bit here, but I guess I'm still kind of amazed at how helpful the SAMe is; it's making such a big difference, that I'm actually aware of NOT feeling compelled to drop into those misery-filled thoughts!! The heart and gut wrenching "kick" is not there. Very interesting, and a little hard to get used to!!

So meanwhile, back at Menopause Mansion..... well, I'm glad for you, Anvil, that you have partnership. I'm actually wondering if anyone's keeled over from menopause crap, and who would I call, how would I do this, and what about that, and what if it happened and I didn't have the phone in my hand, or didn't have time to make calls, or at what point do you decide, "now I am sick enough to call 911"....... And if I'm not in full, conscious, self-advocacy mode, who would make sure they do what needs to be done in terms of my medical issues, so that I don't end up waking up to Very Bad Things.

Blechhh---it's not a high school cafeteria in here, it's the full cast of "Night of the Living Dead"!!!! Haaaaaaa!!!
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