Many hugs, ShootingStar.
I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to spend time with my XAH again right now, and especially if he were acting completely rational and loving again. I did have some glimpses of that with him last year, but he couldn't keep the wool over my eyes for long. He was not really healthy, although he was much better than before. I am still sad many days about the loss of our lives together. When we were good, we were great. But, I know that I won't be with him again. If / when I see him again, I hope he is lucid, rational, and well. I left because I could not be witness to his self-destruction, and I could not help him. If he is well, then that part of my grief may be lifted. But, I will mourn the loss of our relationship regardless. It is what it is... And I'm moving forward. If he's well, he can move forward too. That's all we can hope for, I think.
Gently,
Fathom