Talana I am struggling with the same issue right now. Countless years of therapy and research landed me here. Mind you the therapy started well before my first drink, drug, or cigarette. I have always scoured my life on both sober days as well as drunken ones and I gotta tell ya...I was born with this feeling. There wasn't a brick wall that could have stopped some of the things I have done. I don't think it's doing either one of us any good to continue blaming and punishing ourselves. We probably both just need to accept whatever this is and go from there.