Needingadvice1

Hi everyone,

I wrote my first post about 1month ago when I found out my partner & father of our 2 beautiful little girls (4 & 1yrs) was injected. We've been together for 6 years & in this time he's struggled with a number of additions (marijuana, bunge drinking, cigarettes, gambling) but never anything like this. I suspected hard drug smoking around 6months ago but he admittedly denied it. Over Christmas he got very sick. He's Lund collapsed & were covered in cysts. A rare form of leukaemia. Around 2 years ago he had radiation on his head for the same thing. He is only 37. The drs told him if he gives up smoking his lungs will hopefully get better & in some cases the entire disease just disappears. He gave up everything for a few month, was feeling great, and everything looked good moving forward.

Then some stressful events occurred. Family death, I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave. Ive always Been the responsible on (no matter im 6yrs Younger) so losing my long term job & company house really threw us. we have snother 6months until i finish my leave & we have to move house, town etc. so he got back into smoking tobacco. Initially We argued over this. I couldn't understand why he was trying to put himself back into hospital for another 6werks. Then he started taking off for days at a time to be with his mates drinking & smoking. Our baby was admitted to hospital for a week & he disappeared in the last few days. I couldn't understand & was really hurt. i needed him. He doesn't cope well with stress. But We sorted things out. Then he started going for a week. Home for a few days then away again. I couldn't handle it so I packed our bags & went to stay with my family for a few weeks locking him out of the house not answering his messages. I tried tough love. I couldn't live like that anymore & really wanted him to see how serious I was & war he had to loose. I told his father & only 2 of my good friends.

Then I found out he was taking speed & that explained everything. His unreliable behaviour, debts (which I thought were gambling debts). I thought he was smoking it & was so shocked to find he was injecting. It broke my heart. This is wen I first posted looking for advice.

Well i spose didn't really listen to anyone's advice to run (sorry must love punishing myself) & I kept communicating with him hoping he woyld sort himself out. He was staying with his friend (also into drugs). For 3 weeks I woyld meet him down the park with the girls a few times a week. We went for dinner one night & he was high. That made me upset. Eventually tho, after his regular messages begging to come home & that he wants help but can't get it by staying with other addicts I relented & allowed him home on Sunday..but with a list if conditions. He agreed to all, including getting help. I was nervous but no1 else was going to help him (we both live away from our families) so I went to pick him up after about 7 weeks apart. Our 4yr old was so happy.

Once home, we had a good chat Sunday night. He says he wasn't bad into it & could stop anytime & didn't need help. I promised that I would get upset or angry so I let it go (well that night anyway). On Monday he wasn't really here. He sat on the couch all day playing games on his cell phone like he didn't even want to be here. I asked if he did. He says yes so I said we'll get off the phone then & show me. He threw his phone & the screen smashed. He then says he was going to go get his phone fixed. He jumped into our car & disappeared.

I didn't hear from him for a few days as his phone was off. On Wednesday I wrote him a message saying I was going to call the police of get legal advice if the car was not back. He wrote me a message saying he was as the rehab centre getting help & was going to do anything to fix this. He then turned his phone off. I wanted to believe him.

We've been house bound for 4 days. Today we caught the buses & taxis to by essentials. I wanted to call the police but couldn't bring myself to do it. Tonight, if had enough. I got someone to watch the girls & had s friend drive me around until we found him & the car. We live in a country town & my friend knew where the addicts lived. I surprised him & asked for the car. He was surprised to see me. It was terrible! He looked so bad. Sad & angry at the same time but he didn't say much. He slowly got everything out of the car carefully & sneakily removing his drugs & other things. It broke my heart. I hardly recognised him. He asked why I didn't bring the girls. There were people from the house watching him slowly unpacking his things.

I told him that the girls were worrying for him. He said that they wouldn't be for much longer as he wouldn't be around much longer. He said he's given up on himself & that I didn't know way it feels like to be sick & dying. I said he wasn't & that he should be fighting for his life. Then he just walked away & said come see me tmor & went to talk to some guy. I said "is that is' & he said 'come see me tmor then.' So I speed off.

I just feel terrible. I think thats it now. Worried that he's going to fo something stupid, worried about the people he's with, but mostly so sad cos I now realise there's nothing more I can do. How did we end up like this?? Man drugs are evil!! I can't help thinking that I've pushed him too much over the years. I must be codependent trying to 'fix' everything. I must've turned him to drugs, and now if he kills himself it's my fault. My babies won't have a dad & it's my fault. I just feel terrible. I'm actually having my first little cry as I write this. Until now ive just felt numb. I feel so hurt. So many lies. We were once so happy, or at least I thought so.

I was watching dr phil the other day cos I've course a drug intervention was on. Why us it always mothers, fathers, brothers & sisters. Is it cos the partners/husbans/wives have left? I wish his dad would come get him & get him away from this place. I don't think I can do anything else for him now. War would I do? I'm so hurt? All the lies & questions I will never get answers for...

Im sorry for this long over detailed rant just needed to get it out x