Worst night of my life (I think)

Old 05-31-2013, 07:33 AM
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Worst night of my life (I think)

Hi everyone,

I wrote my first post about 1month ago when I found out my partner & father of our 2 beautiful little girls (4 & 1yrs) was injected. We've been together for 6 years & in this time he's struggled with a number of additions (marijuana, bunge drinking, cigarettes, gambling) but never anything like this. I suspected hard drug smoking around 6months ago but he admittedly denied it. Over Christmas he got very sick. He's Lund collapsed & were covered in cysts. A rare form of leukaemia. Around 2 years ago he had radiation on his head for the same thing. He is only 37. The drs told him if he gives up smoking his lungs will hopefully get better & in some cases the entire disease just disappears. He gave up everything for a few month, was feeling great, and everything looked good moving forward.

Then some stressful events occurred. Family death, I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave. Ive always Been the responsible on (no matter im 6yrs Younger) so losing my long term job & company house really threw us. we have snother 6months until i finish my leave & we have to move house, town etc. so he got back into smoking tobacco. Initially We argued over this. I couldn't understand why he was trying to put himself back into hospital for another 6werks. Then he started taking off for days at a time to be with his mates drinking & smoking. Our baby was admitted to hospital for a week & he disappeared in the last few days. I couldn't understand & was really hurt. i needed him. He doesn't cope well with stress. But We sorted things out. Then he started going for a week. Home for a few days then away again. I couldn't handle it so I packed our bags & went to stay with my family for a few weeks locking him out of the house not answering his messages. I tried tough love. I couldn't live like that anymore & really wanted him to see how serious I was & war he had to loose. I told his father & only 2 of my good friends.

Then I found out he was taking speed & that explained everything. His unreliable behaviour, debts (which I thought were gambling debts). I thought he was smoking it & was so shocked to find he was injecting. It broke my heart. This is wen I first posted looking for advice.

Well i spose didn't really listen to anyone's advice to run (sorry must love punishing myself) & I kept communicating with him hoping he woyld sort himself out. He was staying with his friend (also into drugs). For 3 weeks I woyld meet him down the park with the girls a few times a week. We went for dinner one night & he was high. That made me upset. Eventually tho, after his regular messages begging to come home & that he wants help but can't get it by staying with other addicts I relented & allowed him home on Sunday..but with a list if conditions. He agreed to all, including getting help. I was nervous but no1 else was going to help him (we both live away from our families) so I went to pick him up after about 7 weeks apart. Our 4yr old was so happy.

Once home, we had a good chat Sunday night. He says he wasn't bad into it & could stop anytime & didn't need help. I promised that I would get upset or angry so I let it go (well that night anyway). On Monday he wasn't really here. He sat on the couch all day playing games on his cell phone like he didn't even want to be here. I asked if he did. He says yes so I said we'll get off the phone then & show me. He threw his phone & the screen smashed. He then says he was going to go get his phone fixed. He jumped into our car & disappeared.

I didn't hear from him for a few days as his phone was off. On Wednesday I wrote him a message saying I was going to call the police of get legal advice if the car was not back. He wrote me a message saying he was as the rehab centre getting help & was going to do anything to fix this. He then turned his phone off. I wanted to believe him.

We've been house bound for 4 days. Today we caught the buses & taxis to by essentials. I wanted to call the police but couldn't bring myself to do it. Tonight, if had enough. I got someone to watch the girls & had s friend drive me around until we found him & the car. We live in a country town & my friend knew where the addicts lived. I surprised him & asked for the car. He was surprised to see me. It was terrible! He looked so bad. Sad & angry at the same time but he didn't say much. He slowly got everything out of the car carefully & sneakily removing his drugs & other things. It broke my heart. I hardly recognised him. He asked why I didn't bring the girls. There were people from the house watching him slowly unpacking his things.

I told him that the girls were worrying for him. He said that they wouldn't be for much longer as he wouldn't be around much longer. He said he's given up on himself & that I didn't know way it feels like to be sick & dying. I said he wasn't & that he should be fighting for his life. Then he just walked away & said come see me tmor & went to talk to some guy. I said "is that is' & he said 'come see me tmor then.' So I speed off.

I just feel terrible. I think thats it now. Worried that he's going to fo something stupid, worried about the people he's with, but mostly so sad cos I now realise there's nothing more I can do. How did we end up like this?? Man drugs are evil!! I can't help thinking that I've pushed him too much over the years. I must be codependent trying to 'fix' everything. I must've turned him to drugs, and now if he kills himself it's my fault. My babies won't have a dad & it's my fault. I just feel terrible. I'm actually having my first little cry as I write this. Until now ive just felt numb. I feel so hurt. So many lies. We were once so happy, or at least I thought so.

I was watching dr phil the other day cos I've course a drug intervention was on. Why us it always mothers, fathers, brothers & sisters. Is it cos the partners/husbans/wives have left? I wish his dad would come get him & get him away from this place. I don't think I can do anything else for him now. War would I do? I'm so hurt? All the lies & questions I will never get answers for...

Im sorry for this long over detailed rant just needed to get it out x
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:39 AM
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This is not a long over detailed rant! I am so sorry you are going through this. I myself am going through a similar situation. You are definitely doing the right thing by keeping him AWAY from your girls.

Remember this: YOU DID NOT TURN HIM TO DRUGS. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

He is doing this to himself. You didn't have a say in any of it. Anyone can go and use drugs if they wanted to but we CHOOSE not to. He has that choice just like the rest of us. Don't let him convince you that it's your fault even in the least bit or that what YOU do can help him get clean. This is my most recent realization. HE has to do it for HIMSELF by HIMSELF.

Hang in there love. hugs!!
xo
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Old 05-31-2013, 05:35 PM
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Hi tleac

Thx for your post. I just read your 'story' and am amazing our similar out stories are. My rant last night was all over the place. I was upset seeing the state of him in his 'new' surrounding. I had a little cry last night but besides that I've just felt numb & cold too. I'm so cynical now. I found some old emails (6yrs ago) to a friend before I met him & I don't even recognise that girl! She sounds fun, cheeky & happy. I don't think I will ever find her again.

I've been called a detective so many times by my partner & I must say I'm pretty good at it too! Maybe we should start our own PI firm.

i pay for everything, look after our girls & make sure they are happy. Drugs are so selfish. He is so selfish. I haven't told my family because I know what they would do & say but I know I need to now. I like to think I can handle this all on my own but now enough is enough
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Old 05-31-2013, 05:37 PM
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I'm using my phone to write this & stupid predictive text is changing my words. Ha that's why it's not making sense!!
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Old 05-31-2013, 05:54 PM
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"I must've turned him to drugs, and now if he kills himself it's my fault"

Being codependent has NOTHING to do with his choices and his addictions. You did NOT cause his issues, if he hurts himself it is NOT your fault.

You said he has had problems through your whole relationship...so why again is this your fault? I am guessing he probably had problems before your relationship since you mentioned he cannot handle stress? How is the fact he can't handle stress your fault? You cannot shelter him from stress in his life, thats a FACT of life. He has two children he isn't taking care of, how could you have pushed him too much? His child was sick in the hospital and he went off to escape leaving you with it all? That is not normal, a partner and a parent is present in the time of need, that is part of being an adult.

HE has chosen not to get help. He didn't take your car to go to rehab, he took your car to go do drugs. Leaving his children and mother of his children with NO transportation and having to take buses to get FOOD. Are you seriously blaming yourself for any of this?? He chose drugs over food for his family.

I can't give much advice about relationships with addicts, I am here more for my brother and family full of addicts, but I can say you definitely need to step back and take care of yourself and your children and let him make the decisions he is going to make. Keep yourselves safe and out of that mess....giving him 'help' just turns into you having to struggle to take care of your kids and yourself.

I am sure it has been said before on your previous post, but read the stickies at the top of this forum, find someone or a group to talk to (a therapist/counselor, nar anon, al anon, whatever works best for you). Get help for yourself so that you can be happy and help your children through not having a present father.

I am codependent. This doesn't mean I caused my brother to be a heroin addict, my mother or father to do what they do, etc. It just means that I am having to relearn how to be happy with myself, not anxious and worried about fixing, repairing others. The addicts in my life were going to do what they were going to do whether the codependent me was in their life or not. I just allowed myself to become a tool in their addiction, but I definitely did not cause it nor did you.

Deep breath, sending positive vibes your way.
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Old 05-31-2013, 05:55 PM
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Needingadvice, you have a lot on your plate I am sorry for your pain please know that if anything happens to him it is NOT your fault you didn't drive him to drugs. You didn't cause it, You can't cure it and You can't control it, all that is on him.
Sending big hugs and prayers.
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:10 PM
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Many thanks meadowsis.
I've re-read your post 3 times. Thank you.
He definitely makes me feel like its my fault. I'm too controlling, to pushy, too snappy but it's pretty hard not to be after everything he puts me through. It's seriously not normal. I still can't work out why I've put up with it for so long. I think I've just got use to it. And now this...a hard core drug addict. I can't get over the look on his face last night russling through this brown paper bag & think I must have a role to play in this?
I'm about to call his dad to tell him I have the car & what happened. I'm thinking about switching my number & deactivating Facebook just whilst I get my head together. I say 'thinking'. What I do know though, is I most definitely will not be messaging/calling him from now on like I have been. If he steps up & gets help he does. I really hope so. I hope he is ok but there's nothing else I can do.
I've read the stickies but I'll have another look now. I'm in a different place than I was a month ago so will no doubt get something else out of them. I was thinking of seeing a counsellor. I've always tried to sort him out & forgotten about myself somewhere along the line.
Thks again
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:37 AM
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NONE of this is YOUR fault.

(read THAT sentence as many times as you need to!)
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:49 AM
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He definitely makes me feel like its my fault. I'm too controlling, to pushy, too snappy but it's pretty hard not to be after everything he puts me through. It's seriously not normal. I still can't work out why I've put up with it for so long. I think I've just got use to it.

me too. totally understand. it has been pointed out to me more than once recently that i don't have the same kind of reaction a "normal" person would or should when it comes to how my addict treats me and talks to me. because it does not faze me like it should. i've become so used to it i'm desensitized. BUT, it still gets to me underneath the surface. i still feel the effects of it in my day-to-day life and my overall emotional health.

i'll say the same thing here i said on another thread. would you be 'pushy, controlling, or snappy' if you weren't dealing with this issue with him? do other people in your life have these same complaints? it seems almost universal that we, as the partners of the addicts, are accused of all the same behaviors/negative personality traits. and yeah, some of it is true to a degree. i sure as hell am snappy with my addict--more so in the past than now, but still. and i was accused of being controlling all the time. because i was. i was trying to control something i had no control over instead of accepting it. i wanted my relationship to be what i thought it was or thought it could be and i thought if i could just FIX IT, it would be that. no no no no no no.

my new favorite question that i've read over and over but never struck so much of a chord with me as it does now is, if this is as good as it is going to get, are you going to be happy with it for the rest of your life?
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Old 06-01-2013, 11:11 AM
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One of the reasons I continue to visit this website is to see how common and repeating
these patterns are. We all think our 'addictive adventures' are in some way unique.
But they are in NO WAY UNIQUE.
Here's a thought experiment. Jump on Google and find a website where ADDICTS
agonize over the hurt, worry, angst, and destruction they cause. You won't find it.
Not unless they are in recovery. They are in what I call FEBM/FTC mode (the 'F' you can
guess) ...but the 'EBM' stands for 'everyone but me' and the 'TC' stands for 'the consequences'.
Nobody in that mode is reachable. Expending huge effort in attempting to do so
is a waste of resources.
And yes, this is as good as active addiction gets. The only direction it will go is downward.
In my experience these are tenets without exception.
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Old 06-01-2013, 11:43 AM
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funny you should mention that, vale... i noted to myself a while back that it was interesting the amount of effort and concern we put into our situations while our addicts are MIA and not giving it a second thought. i like your acronyms too.
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Old 06-01-2013, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Vale View Post
They are in what I call FEBM/FTC mode (the 'F' you can
guess) ...but the 'EBM' stands for 'everyone but me' and the 'TC' stands for 'the consequences'.
Boy, did you really hit the nail on the head with this, Vale!! Back in December, when my XA threw his OWN 'birthday bash' at the bar (my therapist found it very interesting that he threw his own party) and didn't invite me, I saw pix of him from that night on FB. What happened to be on his T-shirt that night?? They were two hands, one was giving the middle finger and the other was pointing out at whoever was looking at the shirt.....so, he was basically saying "F you, F everyone, F the world, etc." That should have been a MAJOR red flag to me about how much he values other people, ya think??
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:39 PM
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Maybe it's a male thing.

"I'm a tough guy,lone wolf,dependent on noone.
Noone can tame me"....an implicit challenge for
anyone (especially some fair maiden) to try.

At almost 53 years of age----I'll translate it for you:

I've accomplished nothing,the few times I've tried I've gotten my
teeth kicked in by the competition.So I play this BS game that I
DON'T WANT the goodies that EVERYBODY wants.I'm the lone
ranger,'ya know.....can't get TIED DOWN by things like a mortgage
or kids........(neglecting for a moment that his history would not serve
up a single reason anyone would offer to loan him a dime).

What phony,transparent schtick.

Like I said......the view from 53 years.My daughter had the good sense to
cut one of these 'winners' off lately. I was so proud!

I know,I know......someone is going to point out...."no one is ever going
to be good enough for Vale's daughter!"

Au Contraire! Someone with a solid grip on life....going somewhere.....not
some coulda/shoulda/woulda who habitually finds all sorts of reasons to keep
checkmarks out of the WIN column.......would be great.

In point of fact,she has one on the line now------good fishing my precious
little daughter!
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:53 PM
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What a smart cookie!! She sounds like a girl who knows her own worth - Papa Vale must be so proud!!
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Old 06-01-2013, 11:15 PM
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Thks everyone!

Ha thks vale, yes starting to figure this out myself. Think my hubby has it tattooed on his forehead at the moment

And mstrust, I thought about what you said. My addict says I'm controlling, nagging, bossy, etc. i know i can be with him but he just has no responsibility. for example, i 'nag' for him to pleAse be home by 2.30 to take our daughter to swimming lessons. He says stop nagging. then, once again ge arrives home at 4pm 2nd week in a row & one little girl is very disappointed. i dont think im controlling im asking him to do something?? i dont know this codependency thing can be confusing. wats controlling & wats them just being an a**. My close friends, work friends, family on the other hand say the complete opposite. My sister regularly tells me I too casual & easy going! Ha. One good thing my addicts taught me though, I certainly don't sweat it on the little things anymore. I've got a much bigger secret problem to keep me occupied!

Thks for listening!
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:16 AM
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Originally Posted by EverHopeful721 View Post
What a smart cookie!! She sounds like a girl who knows her own worth - Papa Vale must be so proud!!
(he is)
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:28 AM
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One of the reasons I continue to visit this website is to see how common and repeating
these patterns are. We all think our 'addictive adventures' are in some way unique.
But they are in NO WAY UNIQUE.
So true Vale. So so true. Needingadvice - I can't tell you how many of the same things my ex did. One time he said word for word in a voicemail "if I put a bullet in my head, you will have no one to blame but yourself!" This was the day I told him he could not go on vacation with my four year old and myself because he was whacked out on drugs.

yes, I was nagging, controlling, all those things. I was called way worse than that. Everything was my fault. It was the things i said always. Your situation is not unique! Truth is that this is NOT your fault. You are being manipulated and controlled. Please do NOT believe this is your fault.

I'm glad your babies are safe. Focus on them, not him. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself. Your babies need you!
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:31 AM
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i 'nag' for him to pleAse be home by 2.30 to take our daughter to swimming lessons. He says stop nagging. then, once again ge arrives home at 4pm 2nd week in a row & one little girl is very disappointed. i dont think im controlling im asking him to do something??

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
controlling my ass! Daddies don't get to disappoint their daughters-----its in the Dad
handbook! The only excuse is death........getting tee'd at an intersection or having a fatal
heart attack.the overwhelming tragedy of addiction is trading things of infinite value, for
things of complete worthlessness.
I hope you are seeing the big picture here and realizing you have zero responsibilty
for this unfortunate chain of events.None.Zero.Nada.And don't you ever let anyone try
to convince you it is 'partly your fault'....it is'nt!
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:32 AM
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i pay for everything, look after our girls & make sure they are happy. Drugs are so selfish. He is so selfish. I haven't told my family because I know what they would do & say but I know I need to now. I like to think I can handle this all on my own but now enough is enough
Thank God you have the means to take care of them on your own. That means that you can walk away from this easier than some who depend on their addicts financially. I hope that you DO tell your family. I personally felt better when I did tell my family. They will be there for you and right now, the focus should be on you and getting support for you, NOT him.

Yes, he is selfish, just like most addicts. They will always choose themselves and their drugs over you, their children and anyone else who tries to get in the way. When people told me this a few years ago when I first came to SR I didn't really undersatnd or believe it the way I do now because I've seen it, experienced it and lived it. Bellieve what you are seeing. This person you see now is who he is.
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Old 06-02-2013, 08:36 AM
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much bigger secret problem???? i hope you are ok...
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