HI MetallicThorn,
I am so sorry you are here. But as other said, if he is tuly an alcoholic with no desire to stop, things will get so much worse. The biggest helper for me was pointed out by Kasie in prior post:
Remember the 3Cs. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.
You can't wish it, dream it, or fantasize it away. And you can't influence it away. While we all try to employ logic in these situations, it is imperative that you learn that there is no logic. Our actions that we think will help, generally do not. When we try to figure out WHY they drink (so we can take actions to prevent that from happening), we need to understand there is not an answer to that question. If there was, there would be no alcoholics! And WE will eventually make OURSELVES crazy thinking we have any control over it, or understand the why of it.
One great piece of advice I received from this forum is that the most helpful thing I could do is to stop helping. "If she is on a downward spiral, the best thing to do is get out of her way." I did. She received her 4th DUI, her kids moved out, she lost her career, and even her new puppy. She may spend some time in jail. But I can tell you this- she is safe in rehab, and to the best of my knowledge hasn't had a drink since Easter Sunday.
When I read your play-by-play conversation, I am sort of jealous. I wish my conversation went so smoothly. It is logical. You ask questions, and he answers. He seems to be truthful, even though what he is saying is painful and not what you want to hear. Fast forward a few years- This EXACT conversation will most likely be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Your questions will be answered with denial, lies, minimization, blame-shifting, etc. Then there will be the gaslighting* While it is painful to know the truth, it is more painful and crazy-making to never know the truth. And that is generally what active alcoholism progresses to.
That being said, it is SO SO SO hard to step away from an alcoholic that we love. Especially if we know in our hearts, that we can help them.... WAIT - back to the beginning- We can't help them. Only they can help themselves.
"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity"