Of course there are always several sides to everything.
And part if my big bugaboo right now is having compassion with the person I was when I was married to an A.
I made some terrible decisions. But under the circumstances, I believed I was making the less terrible choice of the ones I thought were available to me.
I made decisions that caused me pain. I made decisions that I thought were acceptable - or more acceptable - to me than the alternatives I could see.
I don't know if I was mistaken. I just know that I need to forgive myself. Over and over again. For letting everything go on for so long. For damaging so much. For allowing him to destroy so much of me.
Since I left AXH I've been able to keep moving ahead and handle things in my head. Remember the movie back to the future where Biff gets a whole load of fresh cow manure tipped over his car while sitting in it? That's where I'm at. I've been zipping along in my shiny brain and been on top of things intellectually. And a whole load of manure-feelings just dumped all over me. And I'm trying not to drown in sh*t.