Hi MetallicThorn,
Sounds like life is pretty stressful for you! You've come to the right place
My (ex?)(R?)ABF is in his late 20s and has done countless inpatient rehab stints. We've been together for 5+ years, so what I'm writing comes from my experiences over that time.
1. I too am a 'fixer'. I love knowing that people need me, that I'm the one they turn to to solve their problems, that I'm the dependable and reliable one. And to see someone transform and know that I've contributed to that is really self-satisfying. I now know that being like this all the time, and having pet projects (people) is really unhealthy - and I'm a codependent. I'm working on that and it's certainly not easy!
2. Your BF says that you'll never understand because you're not an alcoholic. Hard as it is to fathom, he's right. I've been tolerating alcoholism for 5+ years, read all the literature and go to AlAnon and I still don't get it. That used to bug me, but not nowadays. I don't want to understand it anymore, it's too difficult and a waste of my precious thoughts. Equally, the A will never understand exactly how I feel as someone affected by their alcoholism.
3. You mention that his mother paid for his rehab treatment. While it's great that he went to rehab, he has to WANT to go for himself, and WANT to get well for himself. It shouldn't be imposed on him by anyone else. True recovery starts when the A initiates it him or herself - not when someone does it for them.
4.His living situation doesn't sound ideal, but that's for him to address - not you.
5. You didn't cause his relapse. Phone call or no phone call, text or no text, it was him and his choice. As a (R?)A, he needs to have strategies in place to manage situations which trigger a relapse - like calling a sponsor. It's not for you to control.
6. You state that he wants a better life, career, family, etc. That's great - but he has to put in the work to get those things. One of the key parts of recovery is As actually doing stuff for themselves, rather than relying on others to make it happen. He has to take steps toward achieving those things for himself, you can't propel him along.
7. Think about what would happen if you were to meet him today - would you want him?
8. Have a think about AlAnon. It's a wonderful place for you to grow and thrive in a non-threatening environment, and will help you deal with the daily stresses associated with loving an alcoholic.
9. Think about detaching with love. That doesn't mean that you don't care - it just means that you know you have a very limited influence over the situation - and there's little point in wasting precious time and energy trying to fix and control it.
10. Remember the 3Cs. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.
Your life is important too! And you only get one shot at it
If you're spending your time, energy and efforts trying to fix someone who isn't ready to be fixed, or doesn't want to be fixed you're not going to get too far...the A needs to make the first move, work a program (and keep working it!) and embrace life as someone who is sober and recovering - and that's a long process.
Keep focusing on yourself - stay fit and healthy, catch up with family and friends, take up a hobby, etc. You need to ensure that your life doesn't revolve around a single person at the expense of you living your own life.
Good luck!