MetallicThorn

I'd first like to start off by saying, "Hi." and I welcome all forms of advice from whomever wants to give it. I'm a person who understands tough love generates real love. I can also see the gamut of facets and perspectives and ask that people try this as well when it comes to my post. Also, I posted this in the welcome section but people suggested I also come here. So, any advice is always welcome.

Now, with that out of the way, let me state why I've come to this site.

About three years ago, I started dating my current boyfriend. Six months in, our relationship dismantled due to the fact I wasn't ready for real love and I had no real clue what it meant to love someone. At that point, I knew he,(we'll call him Mr. Hero) had tried acid, weed and alcohol but all in good young adult measure. Experimentation, if you will.

With time and experience fostering on, we kept in touch ever so often. A text here, a call there, small things. He always called me for my birthday, even though I didn't remember his, unfortunately.

Approximately, six months ago in November, we decided to give our relationship another chance. This time, we'd be open and honest about ourselves to each other. I remember clearly, telling him, "I'd accept him anyway I could have him." He in return, told me the same thing. At that time I didn't believe he had an addiction, I thought he simply liked to drink due to his youth but shortly after that he made me a believer. Mind you, I've always been a "fixer" and innately like a therapist. So, once he told me how he'd been in a car accident from him hitting someone because he passed out behind the wheel, woke up in the hospital hand cuffed, had to go to court, do community service and received a DUI, I figured I could save him from himself and help him become the man I know he can be.

Quickly, I began to see the trappings of dating an alcoholic. He would forget things almost as often as I told him. There would be day's when I wouldn't hear from him, not a call, not a text or anything. I would get angry with him but eventually, we got passed it. I chucked it up to small bumps in the road that every relationship goes through, in spite of him being an alcoholic. In my perspective it is better to be "happy" than "right." I remember at our three month mark asking him if he remembered telling me, "I'd accept you anyway, I can have you." Which he replied, "No, but I'm sure I said it." In that moment, I knew this addiction wasn't as lighthearted as I was making it out to be.

I tried talking to him about his future and what he wanted, in hopes of that igniting an unyielding desire to have those things so he would focus on that and put the vodka bottle down. I tried talking him out of drinking whenever I could. There was a moment when he bought two vodka bottles and he drank one but while he was outside, the second came up missing. Instantly and deductively, he narrowed it down to his mother taking it and hiding it. I was both shocked and amazed at the transformation my boyfriend under went. I knew alcoholism was an addiction but Mr. Hero mutated into this mindless zombie transfixed on finding the bottle while spiraling down a rabbits hole of anxiety out of no where.

I told him, "It wasn't that serious." Despite me trying to change the subject or pleading him with him, he feverishly searched through the house, almost manically until discovering it under his bed. It was more than an eye- opener. Mr. Hero wasn't the man I knew, wasn't the man cared for; wasn't a man at all...just the shell of a machine. From then on, I tried having deep and insightful conversations with him about the mechanics of being an alcoholic but he would brush me off stating, "You're not an alcoholic so you'll never understand." And when he wasn't shooing me away from the topic with that statement he'd throw his favorite word at me, "Apathy." Oh, how I've I come to dislike that word. Let, Mr. Hero tell it, he's apathetic about everything.

What bothered me most is that he would talk to his friends and heed their words over mine because they too were alcoholics and in my opinion worse off than him. I just don't understand that.

His grandma fell ill two months ago and he went to Texas to be with his mother and family. Thankfully, his grandma is doing okay but while there his mother paid for him to go to a program. And just like that, I had Mr. Hero back. He remembered things again, was conscious again and most off all he was present. Truly, present. He was engaged in everything around him and for the first time in a long time...he saw me. Without the wafting blurred haze of alcohol blinding him. We were connecting again and I was so proud. More proud, that he did it HIS way. No more drinking to avoid withdrawals, no more sleeping all day and still feeling tired and no more forgetting. In two months, he gotten sober, started medication to treat his depression, formulated a plan to take a certification exam and get his life back on track. What I knew for sure is that we would go the long hall without question in our relationship but I now knew he would be aware and conscious for the ride.

When he got back from Texas, I had some reservations and concerns because his roommate drinks and I knew how tempting that would be. We talked rationally and bluntly but he assured me he was prepared and knew how to deal with it. About two week's in, I started to settle down and think of him being sober as second nature. He had a routine going and stuck to it regularly. This past week, I let my emotions get the best of me and due to me texting him and not receiving anything for three days, I decided to treat him with the same treatment. He began texting me but I ignored him. On the second day, he called me at nine something at night. I answered but kept it short not wanting to be all cute with him till the next day which would have made three days. I told him I was on the phone and would call him back. I thought about calling him back hut stuck to my child like stubbornness. Insisting on talking to him the following day.

I did just that and when I called him that following day in the afternoon, I found my love drunk and back to his old ways. In disbelief I asked, "When did this happen?" He cleverly told me, "11" in his drunken glee. I asked, "At night or today?" He informed me it was last night.

I can't help but feel it's my fault, despite knowing he was going to do what he wanted to do, despite knowing you can't control anyone but yourself, despite my friends and even him saying don't blame myself. I FEEL that it's my fault based on the following criteria. One, he called me at nine and I told him I would call him back yet I didn't. Two, he didn't start drinking till 11 and I was up till 2 in the morning doing nothing. Three, I kept asking my friend should I call him back and she said she would have but regardless of that I chose to be difficult and refused to call. It just seems like God, the universe and the logistic's of it all directed me to intervene and I didn't listen. I could've been there when it mattered to at least try and prevent him from relapsing but I missed the opportunity because I stood in my own way.

I just don't know how to forgive myself for choosing not be there when I could have, whether I knew this would happen or not, I still should've been there. It's so HARD to accept all of his progress, all of his efforts and all he was becoming is thrown out the window. Two months and a couple weeks of progress thrown out the window, and the fact that I could've prevented it for at least another day cuts me to my core. I wasn't there when he needed me most...and now I've got to live with my lack of action.

First let me say, how appreciative I am for people responding and for how swiftly they responded as well. I hear and acknowledge what all of you are saying and I am truly humbled by each and every one of you taking time to listen to a stranger.

With that said, let me follow up with some unmentioned things and updates.

One person asked, "Why didn't he text me back in the first place?" Mr. Hero has been known to read a text and get distracted by something and forget to text back or he'll type a text out and forget to send it. This is just how he is at times, unfortunately.

I spoke with him today and I'll give you the play by play of how that conversation went.

*phone rings*

(Hero)-"Hello?"

(Me)-"Hi..."

(Hero)-"Hey, what's going on?"

(Me)-"Nothing much, how are you?"

(Hero)-"Alright."

(Me)-"How was last night?"

(Hero)-"I don't remember. I passed out early and woke up late in the night."

(Me)-"Oh?"

(Hero)-"Ya, I threw up all night even though I was drinking water. Like, I just kept chugging it trying to take in as much as I can."

(Me)-"I'm sorry, my love. I mean, maybe it was good that you went through that to remind you of what it was like."

(Hero)-"Ya, I deserved it to be honest."

(Me)-"Did you eat something?"

(Hero)-"Ya, my roommate made some spaghetti. It was actually really good to be honest."

(Me)-"That's good."

(Hero)-"What's new with you?"

(Me)-"Not much... I just can't help but feel like I could've intervened last night if I would've called you back."

(Hero)-"Don't blame yourself. I was gonna drink anyway."

(Me)-"I understand. At least you got it out of your system."

(Hero)-"Uhh, I'm drinking right now." *snickers*

(Me)-"Oh, is this your first drink?"

(Hero)-"No. I had two beers earlier and I'm drinking vodka right now."

(Me)-"So, is this your last one?"

(Hero)-"Probably not."

(Me)-"I thought yesterday was the exception?"

(Hero)-"I thought so too"

(Me)-"I just don't want to see all your hard work go out the window."

(Hero)-"Ya, me either."

(Me)-"What about taking the A+ certification exam? I know how drinking messes with your memory."

(Hero)-"I can still do it. I've been taking practice test and getting A's and B's."

(Me)-"Oh, good... Well, what are you going to do for the rest of the day?"

(Hero)-"Probably go food shopping. I should do that."

(Me)-"That'll be good. Get out the house and get some fresh air."

(Hero)-"Ya, I probably won't."

(Me)-"...Well, I'll just talk to you later then."

(Hero)-"Alright."

*phone call ends*

After that, I laid in bed and cried for an hour. It's so frustrating to know how far we got to end right back where we started. Only reason he stopped before is because his mother got him into a program and he was living with her and away from his roommate who's a bad influence on him, though I don't blame her because he's an adult. I think what hurts the most is knowing that he's longing for a better life. He'll be twenty-four in July and he wants so badly to have something going for himself. His friends have career's and families. He is so naturally smart that if he wanted he could become a doctor without much thought. I am trying to push him towards that brighter tomorrow because he WILL be GREAT.. someday. ...I just know it.

Someone recently asked, "Are you going to be able to be at peace and happy in this relationship if he never recovers?"

The honest answer that aligns with my intentions say's no. My selfish ego, wants him to be better, to be a better version of himself. That version I dream about year's from now when were thirty, have career's, live together, are talking about marriage and we both look happy. If never recovering means I can never have that then I won't be at happy.

However, at my core. My authentic self knows and understands that I wouldn't push him away either because of it. I'd love him through it all because I'd accept him as is. I'd hastily settle for his circumstance and try to over look it. What I know for sure is, we shouldn't have preconceived notions of what a partner should be, which allow's us to have endless-discoverable possibilities. His burden will become mine and I'll become blind to it and only think of it as a relationship "issue" much like everyone else has. A silent devotion between him, I and his addiction. But even here, I won't be truly happy.

With all this said, I don't have a problem letting him go in terms of a relationship. I am happy to have known him at all and at the end of the day there is a blessing in every lesson. I am capable of knowing just because you love someone it doesn't mean you're meant to be. I just don't want to throw it away over a trifle whim. Nothing worth having comes easy.

My greatest HOPE and wish for him is that he finds himself when all looks lost.